Unprepared
by genevra
Summary: When Tony dies after eight years of marriage, Ziva learns a thing or two about grief.
1. Where Ziva Feels the Wind on Her Face

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NCIS

**Unprepared**

**A/N:**This is my first multi-chaptered NCIS story. I have another chapter written up already so I should update soon. This probably won't be very long. Maybe five chapters at the most. The chapters will alternate between the past and the present (which is our future) so if you get confused, check the dates. Hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own nor am I affiliated with NCIS in anyway.

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**Chapter One: **Where Ziva Feels the Wind on Her Face

* * *

_Another day draws away,  
And my heart sinks with the sun.  
Its like catching snow on my tongue.  
Its like catching snow on my tongue._

_'The Sweetest Decline.' Beth Orton._

_March, 2009._

"Boss, do you realise that Ziva has never had a cheeseburger?" Tony called out across the bullpen.

Ziva rolled her eyes and watched as Gibbs mentally argued over whether to point out the pointlessness of the remark when there was a murder investigation on or whether to simply play along. Being the pro that he was, Gibbs managed to do both.

"Not exactly kosher, is it, DiNozzo?" he asked. "Or relevant to the case unless a cheeseburger is really code for a mighty big lead. Like one that narrows the suspects down from forty to say, oh I don't know, one."

"Right. Sorry, boss," he replied. He sent a glare to Ziva who looked briefly away from her computer screen to quickly waggle her eyebrows at him. "This is all your fault. You just HAD to tell me you'd never eaten a cheeseburger. You knew how I would react and you just wanted to get me into trouble."

"Grow-up, Tony," she parried back. Her hands never stopped typing and her eyes never stopped searching. "There are bigger things in life than cheeseburgers."

"I just don't understand how you can have lived in America for four years now and never have eaten a cheeseburger," he continued. "I don't know if I can marry someone who has never eaten a cheeseburger."

"Fine, Tony," she shot-back. "We will not get married.The wedding is in less than a month and things are from finalised. It will make my job easier if I just cancel everything."

Though he opened his mouth to protest, she turned back to her work and ignored him. For the next three hours every time he went to apologise, to explain it was a joke, she talked over him or blatantly ignored him. At quarter-to-six Ziva got up and walked over to Gibbs desk. Tony and McGee exchanged glances as she lowered her voice to talk to him. He looked over at Tony and seemed to roll his eyes but he nodded. Tony and McGee watched open-mouthed as she collected her stuff and left the bullpen.

"Boss, how come Ziva gets an early mark?" Tony grumbled.

"How about you shut up and do your job? Maybe then you'll leave in time to find out," Gibbs called out. He stood-up. "I'm going to MTAC. I don't want to see either of you here when I get back. Sit back down, DiNozzo. I do want to see your finished reports on my desk."

"Yes, boss," he grumbled.

"Sure thing, boss," McGee replied. They waited until Gibbs had gone up the stairs before they spoke again. "What do you think is going on?"

"I have no idea, probie," Tony shrugged. "But let's not stick around to find out."

They finished their reports quickly, emailed one to Cynthia then left a printed copy on Gibbs desk. They collected their things then made their way down to the parking lot. Ziva was sitting on the bonnet of Tony's car with a brown paper bag next to her. She shot Tony an unnerving smile before reaching in and pulling out a paper-covered item. She unwrapped it, revealing a cheeseburger.

"Well, I'll be damned," Tony muttered. "She loves me."

"Of course she loves you," McGee said with a roll of his eyes. He walked off to his own car but he sat in it and watched them.

Ziva took a big bite from the burger. She chewed it slowly and methodically before swallowing. Tony went to say something but she shook her head and continued to eat the burger. Finally it was finished and she rose an eyebrow at him.

"I was just going to say leave some for me," he said. A steady smile grew across her face and she waved him forward. He leant next to her and she opened the bag to reveal another cheeseburger.

"It was so good I might just eat it for myself," she joked. Her face grew serious for a moment. "Tony, please do not make jokes about not marrying me again. I did not like it."

"You didn't like it?" he asked. "How do you think I felt when you said we wouldn't get married?"

She answered him with a kiss.

* * *

_April, 2029._

"Mama?" Ava called. She came into her mother's room and found Ziva staring at the mirror pushing back invisible wrinkles. She came up behind her and rested her head on her mothers shoulder. "I miss him already."

"Me too, sweetheart," Ziva replied. She turned around to hug her nineteen year-old daughter properly.

"But it's barely been over a week," Ava said, her voice breaking.

"It has been seven years and we still miss Ducky," Ziva reminded her. "It is hard for me to remember a time when he was not part of my life. You have known him your whole life. That is longer than me so it is only natural you would miss him so much."

"I talked to Aunty Abby this morning and she's gutted," Ava sighed. "I just feel so helpless. She's still not coping very well and I can't do anything for her."

"They were very close," Ziva said. Mother and daughter had made their way over to the queen-sized bed. "Abby knew Gibbs even longer than I did. He was a second father to her."

'And to me,' she added silently.

"He was like my second-father too. And when Ducky died he took on the grand-father role too," Ava said. Ava loved her adopted family more than her blood relatives. It was only natural as she had known them since the day she was born. What was left of Ziva's family was scattered across the globe and she had never even met most of her father's family. "It's just so strange to think of him as being gone. It seems like only yesterday that he was finally putting his boat in the water."

"It was at least seven years ago," Ziva laughed. "No, it was six."

"It was so not that long ago," Ava disagreed. "I was sixteen."

"You were thirteen," Ziva corrected. "I remember because it was the year after Ducky died. Now are are we going to see your aunt or not?"

"I'm right behind you, sweetcheeks," Ava replied.

"Of all the things to pick up from your father," Ziva sighed.

Ava giggled and swatted her mother's pony-tail. She skidded around Ziva and raced her to the bottom of the stairs.

"Can I drive, Mama?" Ava begged.

"Sure," Ziva said. She threw her the keys then pulled a grey cardigan over her white t-shirt. "Have you spoken to your brother?"

"He said he got home safely," Ava answered.

"I do not see why he could not go to a school closer to home or why he could not take a semester off before going to college," Ziva grumbled. "He is not even eighteen yet."

"Most parents would be cheering," Ava reminded her.

"I doubt that," Ziva disagreed. "I think most parents would feel the same as me."

"You know I hate living in a family where my brother is clearly the favourite," Ava huffed. "Maybe you would love me as much as you love him if I moved to another state."

"Don't you dare!" Ziva ordered. "You cannot abandon your old mother."

"Cause you're so old," Ava said rolling her eyes. She tapped her foot impatiently. "Are we going to see Abs or not?"

"Yes we are going," Ziva said.

She went to walk out the door but Ava stepped in front of her and pulled her into a hug.

"You know I'd never leave you, Mama," Ava said seriously.

"Pssht. You can leave me anytime you want and you probably will," she replied. "You should."

"But I won't. You're stuck with me," Ava sighed dramatically.

"Of all the other things to pick up from your father," Ziva sighed again.

* * *

_November, 2029._

Ziva, Ava and Ethan made their way out to Ziva's car. A light dusting of snow that would be melted by the time they returned covered the ground. It was the first snow of the season but it was the last thing on the DiNozzo family's mind.

"Can I drive?" Ava asked.

"I want to drive," Ethan pouted. "I never get to drive anymore."

Ziva threw the keys up in the air. Both children lunged for them but she laughed and caught them herself.

"I am driving," she said. She unlocked the door and hopped in. She waited as her children fought over who got the frontseat. Ethan was the winner and Ava was sulky in the backseat.

"Ava, aren't you a little too old to be sulking?" Ziva asked.

"I'm not sulking," Ava answered. She let out a shuddering breath. "It just kind of hit me. What today is, you know. I mean, I know what today is but it just hit me."

"At least it only comes once a year," Ethan replied.

"Yeah," Ava said softly.

Maybe it came once a year for them but it came everyday for Ziva. Sometimes it hit worse than others. Sometimes she went twenty-three hours and fifty-eight minutes without her remembering but the pain in those last two minutes reminded her quick-smart. But it was easier for Ziva's children to set aside only one day to grieve for the losses they had suffered over the years. They had lives of their own. With them gone from her home, Ziva had no-one and nothing but time to think and remember and to try to heal.

And yet she was the one who had trouble moving on.

* * *

Abby and McGee were already waiting when the DiNozzo's pulled up. Abby, resplendent in a knee-length black dress with a full skirt and cap-sleeves, waved half-heartedly. She shivered in the cold but refused the coat that McGee offered her. She made grief look good and until she experienced it three times over, she had liked the idea of it. Now, eleven years to the day of the first heartbreak, her preoccupation with death was something more like a preoccupation with grief. How much more could she handle? And how long could she experience it? She never found the answers but it didn't stop her asking them. Ziva could have told her the answers if she'd asked but she never did.

The five of them silently walked through the cemetery. Words weren't necessary. They each knew the way to the grave like the back of their hand. They pretended that each of them visited the grave just twice a year. Once, on his birthday, and again on the anniversary of his death. As far as everyone was concerned they had each been to the grave twenty-two times. It was a little closer to one-hundred and thirty-two for Ziva who averaged twelve point five visits a year or one visit per month. McGee had been at least ninety-eight, Abby eighty-four. Ava and Ethan had been forty-one and thirty times respectively. But who was counting? And who was telling? Certainly they weren't. Visiting the grave meant they were having trouble letting go.

They got to the grave and stood in a cluster. They stood for minutes in silence as they took in the simple rectangle of marble and the carved words on its bronze plaque.

_'Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo. 1970-2018. Just believe that I love you.'_

Tony had specifically requested the words. The quote was from the letter Ilsa sent to Rick in 'Casablanca.' Ziva thought it was perfectly fitting. While it meant something special to everyone else, it meant more to her. They had watched the movie together countless times, tears rolling down their cheeks each time. When he'd told her he wanted those words on his gravestone Ziva had laughed but when he'd died, she hadn't been able to think of anything else as perfect.

"I can't believe it's been eleven years," Abby said sadly. "Do you think Gibbs is with him and Ducky?"

"I like to think that they are," Ava answered.

"I think they are," Ethan agreed.

"I bet they are looking down on us right now," Ziva added. "It is a nice thought anyway."

"Do you think we should do it now?" McGee asked. "It's getting colder by the second."

"I hate cold cheeseburgers," Ava said. "Let's do it now."

McGee handed out the five cheeseburgers while Ethan spread a blanket out on the slightly snowy ground. Everybody sank to the ground and ate their cheeseburger. It was something they did every year to acknowledge him. If Tony could sacrifice his life to save another then Ziva coul be un-Kosher once a year and eat a cheeseburger to honour him. It was cold on the ground and the melting snow was starting to seep through. They ate quickly and then stood up again.

"It's so cold," Abby shivered.

"Would you put your coat on please?" McGee asked.

"Fine," she agreed. She accepted her thick coat and slipped it on over her dress. "Much better."

"Do you have the rose, Ava?" Ziva asked.

"Yep," she replied.

"Do you want to go first?" she asked.

They had another tradition. They each knelt, or squatted, in front of the grave and said something in private. No-one stood close enough to hear what was being said but they could each imagine.

"Okay," Ava agreed. She stepped forward and place the rose on top of the headstone. She squatted down in front of it and whispered to it. "I wish I could hear your voice one more time. I wish you could tuck me into bed and sing me to sleep. I miss you, Daddy. I always will."

She stood up and Ethan took her place.

"My soccer team won again. I thought that would make you proud. I was going to bring the trophy down here but Mama told me the groundsmen would just remove it. I wish you could have seen me play. I scored the winning goal. Mama was so proud she cried. I think she wished you were with us too. I miss you," he whispered.

He stood-up and Abby tearfully took his place. She traced the letters of his name. All the while tears ran down her face.

"I miss you so much, Tony. Especially now with Gibbs gone. I hope the three of you are together. Maybe Kate is there too. And Shannon and Kelly. I'm a bit jealous that you get to meet them while I'm stuck down here missing you all. It makes it easier thinking that you're all together. We have each other and you should have someone too. It sucks that they're gone but it helps a little to think that you aren't alone," she whispered. "I made a new moppet of you to put in the lab. I switch photos every now and then. Ziva gave me a tie of yours to put on it. I have a pair of Ducky's glasses and some of Gibbs' cuff links. I feel closer to you all when I'm with my moppets. Anyway, it's Tim's turn. I love you, Tony."

McGee went over and copied the others. His conversation was brief.

"I feel a little stupid talking to a piece of marble when everyone else is watching," he admitted. "It's easier when its just me here. I just hope you're out there somewhere watching. And if you are then you already know what I have to say. I'm trying to watch out for Ziva like you asked me too. I think she's going a little better. It's hard to tell. I know some people don't see why she can't get over you when it's been eleven years but I understand. I knew you too. Umm, I guess all that's left to say is I miss you," he said.

Abby and Ava had their arms around each other when he turned around. They were both crying softly. Ethan was looking at something in the distance. He blinked to hold back the tears. McGee went over to the girls and put his arms around both of them. Abby moved away after a moment and let him engulf Ava into a full hug. Just for a second, the girl was comforted. If she squeezed her eyes shut it was almost her father's arms around, was almost her father's voice in her ears.

Ziva walked mutely over to the grave. She, too, traced the letters on the plaque and rested her head against the cool metal. She sang softly, her voice coming out in heaving sobs. Somehow she managed to get through the song without losing it completely. She didn't need to say anything to him. She missed him and loved him with every aching breath that she took. Anybody, even the blind, could see that.

An arc of wind blew through the cemetery, rustling her loose hair. She stood up, closed her eyes and breathed the fresh air in. It almost felt as if he were right there in front of her. Almost as if she could... but she reached out to touch him and all that was there was marble and metal.

Ziva walked back to the group, taking each step carefully and deliberately.

"Are we ready to go?" she asked. She rubbed Ava's back and slipped her arm around Ethan's shoulder.

"Can we get a hot chocolate somewhere?" Ava asked.

"Of course," she replied. She began to walk away but Ethan pulled away from her and continued to stare at the grave.

"It looks like something from a movie," Ethan he said. "Like the end of 'What Lies Beneath.'"

Ziva turned and looked behind her. With a single red rose laying on the dusting of snow that topped the gravestone, he was right.

"Your Dad would have loved it," Abby said. And she was right too.

* * *

The next afternoon she stood out on the veranda and closed her eyes. She squeezed them shut and thought about Tony as hard as she could. The wind blew a gale and thrashed the world around. Ziva didn't care about the leaves that flitted across the sky or the birds whose flight paths were seriously derailed. She tried to feel Tony out in the breeze like she had in the cemetery. She tried in vain, though, because there was nothing but ice and snow in the strong winds.

The sun set quickly that night and darkness took over the world. Ziva sat on the window-seat in her bedroom and looked out over the front yard. If she squinted her eyes she could almost see Tony coming in from work or returning from the grocery store. And she did squint her eyes but all she saw was grass, an elm tree and the dark grey driveway. And so another day drew to a close. Another without Tony. And tonight it wasn't any easier to accept.


	2. Where Ziva Learns About Grief

**NCIS**

**Unprepared**

**A/N:** I've glossed over it a little in this chapter but in a couple of chapters time, you will find out exactly how Tony died. Glad you all enjoyed it. It's very different to how I normally write (at least I think it is) so bear with me. Happy reading! Or sad reading, I should say... Just joking.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own nor am I affiliated with NCIS in anyway. The lyrics belong to the ridiculously talented 'Eisley.'

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**Chapter Two: **Where Ziva Learns About Grief

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_Oh, when the day is blue  
I'll sit here wondering about you  
Oh, and I'm falling fast  
All around your face in strange yellow patterns  
But, I wasn't prepared for this, oh...  
I wasn't prepared for this, oh..._

_**'I Wasn't Prepared.'**__Eisley._

_May, 2017._

_Ziva was fast asleep when she heard someone singing. It sounded suspiciously like Tony but that wasn't possible. She was dreaming. It was the only explanation. Not that she minded. Tony's voice washed over her and she sighed wistfully and rolled over, snuggling into the blankets. She felt someone turning her back onto her back and she slapped them away. Her hand hit something solid and her eyes fluttered open._

_"Hey sweet cheeks," Tony said, his cheerful voice belying his worried eyes. "You had me worried there for awhile."_

_"Tony?" she asked. She sat-up and struggled to control her breathing. Her heart was pounding and she clutched it for a moment. Tony reached up and touched her face. She jumped and skirted away from him._

_"Ziva, what's going on?" he asked. His voice was still upbeat but his face had fallen. "What's wrong?"_

_She reached out and touched his arm with her fingertips. His hand tentatively reached to pull her back closer and suddenly she threw herself at him, sobbing."_

_"I had a dream you were dead," she explained. She sobbed and he held her._

_"Never going to happen, sweet cheeks," he whispered. "You'll never have to worry about that."_

_"Good. I did not like the feeling at all," she replied. She burrowed herself into his arms. He rubbed her back and murmured to her softly but her tears didn't cease._

_It was the first time in almost ten years that she had cried herself to sleep._

* * *

_November, 2018._

_**Lesson One:**__ Shock comes first_

It had been the middle of the day when she had heard the news. She was playing in the park with their children when she saw the hauntingly familiar car drive past. She stopped dead in her tracks, her heart slamming into her throat making it impossible to swallow. She clutched the place where her heart had once been and tried to calm her breathing. When she could finally move again, she called out to her kids, beckoning them back to her. They groaned and complained but when they saw the fire in her eyes they found they could not deny her. By the time they had trudged back to her and collected the jumpers they had thrown onto the grass in their haste to play she had calmed herself down enough that they would not see the fear in her eyes and all over her face.

'Maybe it is just a coincidence,' she tried to tell herself as she drove the short distance home. But as a consequence of working for one Leroy Jethro Gibbs for many long years, Ziva DiNozzo did not believe in coincidences.

Her children, Ava and Ethan, were quiet in the backseat. It was almost as if they knew they should be. Ziva concentrated extra-hard on the road trying not to think the worst. Her heart was thumping wildly but it was now back in her chest when it belonged. Images flashed through her mind intermittently and Ziva was glad the drive would be over in a matter of minutes. It was not just her life in her hands now. She had her children to think about. Her children and... her husband. He would not be impressed if a lapse in concentration marred her almost impeccable driving record. She had calmed her crazy driving ways somewhat and hadn't been in or caused an accident in over ten years. It was good to think about something as unimportant and banal as driving. It was better than thinking about...

It was Ava who confirmed Ziva's worst fears, her darkest nightmare. Innocent and unwitting Ava with her observation and child-like curiousness.

"Mama, why is there a strange car parked outside our house?" she asked sweetly. Ziva gulped and waited a few seconds to answer so her voice would not break.

"I do not know, sweetheart," she lied. It was so hard not to break down, so hard to lie but she just couldn't bear it. She saw the two men standing at the door before she pulled into the driveway. She recognised them immediately, although one of them was in an unfamiliar uniform, and she knew. Of course she knew. She expertly swung into the drive and stopped the car. She turned to the children who were already unbuckling their seat-belts. "Kids, I need you to do something for me."

"What?" they asked.

Ziva drew the key out of the keyhole and handed her keyring to Ava. At eight she the oldest by two years and she never let Ethan forget it.

"Ava, I want you to take Ethan straight into the house, okay? Go to the kitchen and wait for me," she ordered.

"But I want to talk to-" Ethan was interrupted by a stare from his mother.

"If you do not do what I say, I will not be held responsible for what happens. Do you understand?" she hissed. She knew she would have to apologise to him later but right now it was paramount that they did what she said. Ava and Ethan were quiet. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, Mama," Ava answered for both of them. She was a very brave young girl and she reminded Ziva of herself in many ways. She looked at Ethan and within seconds they were bounding across the yard.

Ziva waited in the car and watched as they exchanged a few words with the two men. Ava seemed to remember her mothers threat and she quickly unlocked the door and pulled Ethan in behind her. Ziva stayed where she was for just a few more moments, until she was sure they would be in the kitchen probably taking advantage of the situation and sneaking in contraband cookies. Eventually though she knew it was useless putting off the inevitable. She managed to pull herself out of the car but found her legs were wobbly and weak. She leaned her weight on the door for a moment as she controlled her breathing. When she had built up the strength she began the slow walk towards the front porch. She clamoured along the grass unsteadily, refusing to make eye-contact with the men. She stood at the bottom of the stairs and finally looked up at them.

"I suppose you have come to tell me he is dead," she stated. The strength in her voice shocked her and belied her actual feelings.

Gibbs walked down the two steps to meet her. He took her arm and helped her up them and onto the porch.

"Do you want to go inside, Ziva?" he asked softly. She shook her head but with his help she collapsed onto the porch-swing. Gibbs, in his old Marine uniform, sat in a wicker chair across from her.

McGee, who had accompanied him, continued to stand. He watched as Ziva lowered her head into her hands and began to sob. She wasn't just sobbing. She was wailing. Her pained yelps were so loud that McGee swallowed to keep from breaking down himself.

"Go in and check on the kids," Gibbs ordered softly. McGee nodded and let himself into the house, pausing to pat Ziva on the shoulder. Gibbs leaned over and took Ziva's hands into his. "He died a hero. He took a bullet so a Marines wife didn't have too."

"Is that supposed to comfort me?" Ziva choked. "Is it supposed to make me feel better that a mother will be tucking her children into bed while mine never get to see their father again?"

"It doesn't help now but it will," Gibbs said. He let her weep and eventually her loud cries gave way to softer sobs. He stood-up and lifted Ziva's head to look at him. "He was a great man."

"The best man," she whispered.

"He won't have a Jewish funeral, will he?" Gibbs asked. He knew the customs were different for Jews but he wasn't one hundred percent sure what they were.

"No," Ziva said, shaking her head. "Tony was an American and he died an American. He will have an American funeral inside a church with flowers and a wake with those little finger sandwiches that you all seem to love."

"Good," Gibbs nodded.

"Do you think that he could have a military burial? I don't mean like with the salute and the military guard or whatever it is but maybe someone could play 'Taps' and you could present us with a flag?" Ziva suggested. "I think Tony would have liked that. It would be like a scene out of a movie."

"I'll sort something out," Gibbs replied.

"And maybe you could give the flag to Ethan when you fold it up? It would make him so proud," she asked, her voice cracking again.

Gibbs nodded and stood-up.

"I think it's time we went inside," he said.

Ziva nodded and shakily stood herself up. She leaned on Gibbs for support as they made their way inside. McGee exited the kitchen at the same time and looked across the wide open lounge-room.

"Ava and Ethan are starting to ask questions," he said. "I, uh, didn't know what to say."

"It's okay, McGee," she said. She wiped her face with the back of her hand and sniffled. "I think I am ready for them."

"I'll go get them then," he said.

"Wait," she called. She looked between the two men. "Will you wait with me while I tell them? I do not think I can do it alone."

* * *

_**Lesson Two:**__ The world doesn't stop because you want to cry._

It was late. The worst day of her life was coming to an end but it bought her no relief. Ziva was in the lounge-room staring at her favourite photo of her and Tony when she heard the scratching at the door. She sighed and pulled herself up. She walked to the kitchen door and let their Maltese puppy, Jonah, out in the backyard. Tony loved the stupid fluffy mutt. He had refused for days when Ziva had wanted him but eventually when her begging was too much he gave in. He swore up and down that it was under protest, under duress and for fear of his life that he gave in. Maltese Terriers were girl dogs. Men should have big dogs like German Shepherds or bulldogs. But within days he was smitten by their little bundle of fluff, even more so than Ava who only being four at the time was prone to adore all things small and fluffy.

Ziva stood at the door watching Jonah stalk around the backyard like a white phantom. Albeit a small and bouncy white phantom but there was something phantom-like in the way he moved. She moved closer to the door, her nose resting on the fly screen. She closed her eyes and took a step back as she remembered how Tony would come up behind her and pull her body to his as she waited for Jonah to finish his business. It hit her all over again that she would never feel his arms around her, would never feel his warm breath against her neck or hear his voice whisper in her ear again. She rocked herself from side-to-side to keep the emotions at bay. She would not cry again until she was safe and locked away in her room.

A cool breeze flew in through the door and when it hit Ziva, she shivered. Suddenly her singlet and shorts didn't seem to be enough covering. Although it was toasty and warm inside, it was still a cold November night outside. She impatiently waited for Jonah to finally finish and prance up to the door. She let him in and reached down to pat his soft fur. He automatically flopped over onto his belly and Ziva complied with his wishes. She stroked and scratched his pudgy little belly until eventually, he got bored and moved away. With a sigh, Ziva closed the door behind her and walked into her bedroom.

The first place she went was the closet. She faced the row of hanging business shirts and suits that would never be warm again. An overwhleming sense of sorrow and helplessness washed over her and she longed to be dead. Anything to stop the constant pressure of pain that had followed her around since the afternoon. She felt an urge to be as near to Tony as their new situation would allow her. She reached into the closet and pulled out a pale blue shirt. She shoved her arms into it and swathed herself into it. She sank down onto the floor and pulled it closer. Tears ran freely down her cheeks and her breath came in struggling gasps. She had no idea how long she sat there, the tears running, but eventually she heard a loud choked sob coming from the direction of Ava's room. Selfishly she wanted to stay locked up in the closet, in her own pain, but she was a mother now, first and foremost.

She left the shirt on as she made her way down to Ava's room. She looked into the room but found it empty. She walked a little further down the hallway into Ethan's room. They were there together in his bed. Ava was crying and unsure what to do Ethan was patting her arm gently.

"Oh, Ava," was all Ziva said. The little girl leaped out of bed and flung herself into her mother's waiting arms. She sobbed leaving Tony's shirt soaking wet after less than a minute. Ziva began to cry softly too, breaking her promise to herself. She looked over at Ethan who had begun to cry himself. She held one arm out for him. "It's okay, little one. Come here."

He came over more slowly than his sister had and let his mother scoop him up. The three of them cried together in the dark, cried knowing what they had lost, cried knowing that things would never be the same. After half an hour, their tears had dried up. Ziva had been kneeling all the while but now she sank onto the floor and pulled Ava onto her lap. She kept one arm around Ethan as she rocked her daughter slowly.

"You know that Daddy loved you both very much," Ziva said softly. "He was so proud of you both. Do you remember when you were in the school play, Ava? You did not get a single line wrong and your Daddy went around telling his friends for weeks how good you were."

"What about me, Mama?" Ethan asked in his baby-voice. She ached when she thought about the day his voice would break and he wouldn't sound like an angel anymore. "Was he proud of me?"

"So very proud," she cooed. "He took your trophy to work, do you remember? When your soccer team won the grand final, remember? He took it to work and kept it on his desk for a whole month!"

"And then he bought it back because you were such a baby and you wanted it for yourself," Ava continued.

"That's right," Ziva said. She kissed Ava's soft dark hair and loosened her grip slightly. "Do you want me to sing you to sleep?"

"Yes please," Ethan said.

"Can we sleep with you, Mama?" Ava asked. Her vulnerability ate at Ziva and she knew she could not handle her for the entire night. It was selfish but Ziva needed some time alone.

"Not tonight, sweetheart," she said. She kept her voice soft. "I promise I will not leave until you are both asleep. Maybe tomorrow night, yes?"

"Okay," Ava agreed. She got up off Ziva's lap and waited until Ethan had struggled his way up. He climbed into bed and she waited until he was comfortable before climbing in next to him.

"What do you want me to sing?" Ziva asked although she knew already what they would request.

"'Close to You,'" Ava answered. It had been the song that Ziva's mother had sung to her when she was younger. Tony had seemed surprised (_'They do get Western music in Israel, Tony. It's not all 'li-li' and warbling'_) but she caught him singing to to Ethan and Ava one night. From then on, it had been their lullaby.

"Do you really want that song?" Ziva asked wearily. Ava and Ethan both nodded. Ziva sighed but then she began to sing. She went strong until the second chorus before her voice trailed away as she thought about her husband. She could still hear the sound of Tony's voice as he sang, could still see the joy on his face. Ava stirred slightly and as always, wise beyond her years, turned to her mother.

"It's okay, Mama. You don't have to sing anymore," she whispered.

"Thank you, baby," Ziva said. She sank back down so she was sitting next to her little girl. She reached out and stroked her daughters hair. "How about I sing you something in Hebrew? Something my father used to sing to me when I was little."

Ava nodded sleepily and settled further into the mattress as Ziva began to sing. She sang softly until finally Ava gave into sleep. She leaned over and first kissed Ethan before kissing Ava. She smoothed their hair back off their faces and then stood slowly up. She crept quietly across the room and moved into the doorway, closing the door behind her. She walked down the hallway and into her own bedroom. Using the last ounces of energy she had left she pulled the covers back and crawled into bed. Tomorrow she would cry but tonight she needed sleep.

* * *

_**Lesson Three:**__Grief has a different timeline for you, for those closest to you and for those distant from you._

Ziva's timeline.

Week one found Ziva grasping to understand what was going on.

Week two found Ziva understanding but not accepting.

Week three found Ziva unable to get out of bed, basically rendered unconscious at the pain she felt.

Week four found Ziva getting out bed but hopping straight back in after she had sent the children off to school.

Week five found Ziva unable to say Tony's name, unable to talk about him, unable to look at his photos, unable to think about him. Week five found her pushing her closest friends away.

Week six found Ziva unable to stop saying his name, stop talking about him, stop looking at his photos, stop thinking about him. Week six found her clinging to her closest friends.

Week seven found Ziva able to make it through an entire day without crying.

Week eight found Ziva beginning to pack up his things slowly, one by one, day by day.

The distant world's timeline.

Week one found the DiNozzo's the hot-goss around the water-cooler. There was disbelief. There was shock. There was an unbelievable amount of pity. Long-lost friends of Tony's came out of the woodwork begging for sympathy. Cards were sent. Casseroles were dropped off. Phone calls were plentiful.

Week two found the gossip and casseroles cooling.

Week three found the phone calls ceasing.

Weeks four through seven found Tony being bought up occasionally but generally put to the back of people's minds.

Week eight found everyone wondering if Ziva would ever get over it.

Abby, McGee, Ducky, Jenny and Gibbs timeline.

Weeks one through eight found them being there for Ziva and the children.

Weeks one through eight found them grieving for Tony when they weren't.

* * *

_**A brief overview.**_

The first few days after Tony's death were the easiest. There was still that sense of disbelief. The sense that the Universe was playing a cruel, cruel joke on you. The feeling that Tony would walk in the door at any moment. Then the funeral came and Ziva slowly began to accept that the joke was on her and that the joke was there was no joke. That was when the worst of it hit. When the people she had been using as crutches began to distance themselves and she had time to be alone, that was when she felt the pain grow and evolve into something bigger than she had ever imagined it could. She thought about Tony and she missed him with all her heart and soul. She healed, too, over time.

But Ziva would learn something over the next few years. Grief was inescapable. There was no way to rush through it. There was no way to push it away. She would learn that grief was a funny thing. It crept up on you at the strangest and most unexpected of moments. It dulled slightly but it never fully went away. As long as forty years after the fact, Ziva could tell her story twenty times a day and not get sick of it. But grief often outlasts sympathy and patience. Grief outlasts someone to talk to. Grief outlasts memories, outlasts the smell on the deceased clothes, outlasts the expiry date of their favoured jar of olives which eventually have to be thrown for fear of contaminating all other food in the fridge. Grief outlasts every other emotion because when something irreplaceable is lost you never stop looking for it and you never stop yearning for it. Just as she never stopped yearning for her Tony.

_Come, come back to me, my, my darling  
Come, come back to me, my, my darling._


	3. Where Tony Breathes His Last

**

* * *

**

NCIS

**Unprepared**

**A/N:** I apologise if this isn't the best chapter. I can see it all in my head but sometimes you just can't get it down right. I tried. Hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own nor am I affiliated with NCIS in anyway. The lyrics are owned by Beth Orton. It's one of my favourite songs in the world. While the rest of the song might not fit, this quote does.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Three: **Where Tony Breathes His Last

* * *

_"And I wanted so desperately to prove  
You were still breathing but you wouldn't move  
Okay, okay what a thing to choose  
This one's gonna bruise."_

_'This One's Gonna Bruise.' Beth Orton._

_November, 2018._

If I had of known that that morning with Ziva would be my last, I would have stayed in bed longer. I would have reached out and run my fingers through her silky hair. I would have kissed her a thousand times, over and over. I would have kissed her until our lips were bruised and our mouths wouldn't move anymore. I would have lain her down with me one last time until I realised I couldn't stave off the inevitable any longer. Then and only then would I have gotten out of bed, dressed, eaten, told my wife and children I loved them before driving away from my home and closer to my inevitable death.

* * *

If I had of known that that morning would be our last, I would have stayed in bed longer. I would have run my hands through his short, spiky hair. I would have kissed him until I couldn't breathe. I would have placed my palm on his chest and felt his heart beating ever so reliably under my hand. And when the time came when we both knew he couldn't stave off the inevitable any longer, I still would have tried. I would have clung to him until my hands were frozen shut, until it was impossible to remove his body without taking my hands too. I would have kept him in my grasp and in our bed, far away from his inevitable death.

* * *

It was a typical morning in the DiNozzo household. Ava and Ethan were begging to go to the park even though it was freezing outside. Knowing there were only a few more weeks where they could play outside before snow covered every surface and the cold became too much, Ziva had agreed to take them after lunch. The sun would be higher then and would hopefully shine a little warmth on them.

Tony came downstairs. His shirt was half-unbuttoned and he carried his socks in his mouth. He dropped them onto the kitchen bench and grinned at Ziva.

"I'm running late," he said.

"You are always running late," she replied. "I wish you didn't have to work this weekend."

"We're on the tip line so chances are we'll sit around the office doing paperwork," he shrugged. He reached over and took a bowl of oatmeal off Ziva. She placed a packed lunch on bench in front of him. He swallowed his mouthful. "Thanks."

"Never say I don't look after you," she winked. "Ava, if you toss that oatmeal at Ethan you had better make sure you do not miss. You will be cleaning the entire kitchen if you do."

"I wasn't going to do it, Mama," Ava sighed.

"I didn't hear you get up for a run this morning," Tony said. He had almost scoffed his breakfast down.

"Too cold," she admitted. "I would have stayed in bed longer except these bozos had their cartoons up way too loud."

"Daddy has to get up early anyway," Ethan pointed out. "Hey Daddy?"

"Yeah, champ," Tony answered. He was pulling his socks on and thanking God that they matched. As if they wouldn't. Ziva ran a tight ship.

"If Gibbs lets you go home early can Uncle Tim come home with you?" he asked. "But not Emmeline and Lainey because they have boys germs. And not Jethro because he's just a baby. Aunty Abby can come. She's cool."

In the future, Ethan and Jethro McGee would become inseperable but a five-year age difference wasn't as easy at six and one as it is at twenty and twenty-five.

"I think you mean they have girls germs," Tony corrected him.

"No, Daddy. They have boys germs because they give us germs," Ethan disagreed. He sighed and shook his head at his father's stupidity.

"He's your son," Tony said looking at Ziva.

"And you are going to be even later if you do not leave right now," she pointed out.

"Crap," Tony groaned. He reached over and ruffled Ethan's hair. "I'll talk to Uncle Tim but he's probably going to bring Aunty Abby and the gang with him."

"Fine," Ethan sighed.

"Can I have a hug?" Tony asked.

"Fine," Ethan sighed again. He begrudgingly got up and walked around to his father. Tony squeezed him tight as the first feelings that something bad was going to happen hit him.

"My turn, Daddy," Ava cried when Tony had released Ethan.

She squealed as was expected when Tony swung her off the ground and around in an arc.

"You're getting to big for that, Ave," he laughed.

"Am not," she said, swatting him.

"Are too," he retorted. He kissed her on the cheek and set her back on the ground.

"My turn, Daddy," Ziva said in a high-pitched voice.

"I'll give you your turn," he grumbled in a low-voice. He moved towards her but she dodged him.

"Silly boy," she chuckled.

"I'll get you back," he said. He kissed her on the lips quickly. "I'd better go. Gibbs will kill me."

"I am not stopping you," she joked but she wished he would stay. She always wished he would stay. "Have a good day at work."

"Sure. Paperwork and making digital copies of evidence. Thrilling stuff," he said. He turned his attention back to the table. "Bye guys. Be good for Mama."

"Bye Daddy. Have fun at work," Ethan replied.

"I love you," Ava added.

"I love you more!" Ethan cried.

"I love you both more," he said. He touched Ziva's hair. "I love you most of all."

"I love you the mostest," she responded. He kissed her one more time and she groaned. "Get out of here. I need you around so it would suit me better if Gibbs didn't kill you."

Famous. Last. Words.

* * *

Work was boring. Even Tony who normally had piles of paperwork was almost done. McGee was sorting out different sized staplers and putting them into the right boxes. Gibbs was drinking his coffee and reading over something. And then the phone rang.

"Gear up," Gibbs said after he hung-up the phone. He and McGee quickly grabbed their SIGs and made their way to the elevator. Tony was paused, his hand hovering his drawer. "You waiting for an invitation, DiNozzo?"

"I just have a bad feeling about this," he answered.

"We don't have time for bad feelings," Gibbs snapped. "Grab your damn gear and lets go."

So Tony grabbed his gun, slammed the drawer shut and followed his boss.

It was supposed to be a clear-cut mission. A Marine wife who had been abducted in the early hours of the morning had been spotted in the back of a car heading towards an abandoned factory. The mission was clear. Get in, get the girl and arrest the bad-guys. They did it all the time. It was what they were good at. But fate wasn't on their side that day.

Gibbs and Tony entered the building, guns drawn, while McGee covered the front door. The woman had dark hair, olive skin and dark eyes. She was small and petite but it was obvious she could be feisty. She was sitting upright in a chair, her body bound in knots that Ziva would have undone in a second. But as much as she reminded Tony of her, this woman wasn't Ziva. She was Ainslee Cook, a mother, a housewife and a PTA member.

"I can't see anyone around," Tony whispered.

"Get the girl. I'll cover you," Gibbs ordered.

Tony crept towards Ainslee and began untying the knots.

"Ainslee, I'm Special Agent DiNozzo," he said as he worked on the rope. "I'm here to help you."

"He's behind you," she croaked, her eyes wide and full of fear. They were red and bloodshot from crying.

"That's Special Agent Gibbs," Tony explained. "He's my boss."

The final knot was untied and Ainslee was freed.

"He's behind you," she repeated.

"Tony, get down!" Gibbs yelled as he spotted the dark figure in the mezzanine. He pointed his gun at the man. "Federal agents, drop your weapon!"

"Let her go and I will," the raspy voice came.

"Can I take him down, boss?" Tony asked. He was standing in front of Ainslee, his gun aimed in the same direction as Gibbs.

But Gibbs didn't have time to answer. The kidnapper fired at Tony twice. One bullet slammed into his shoulder but the other shot straight though his back. Tony was vaguely aware of Gibbs firing back, of Ainslee screaming and of the door being flown open. But that's not what Tony saw.

* * *

_May, 2008. (After Recoil)._

_"Tony, what are you doing here?' she asked. Her eyes were bleary with sleep as she blinked up at him._

_"Thought you could use a friend," he shrugged._

_"What I could use is a good night's sleep," she disagreed. "Thank you for your concern. I will see you in the morning."_

_She went to close the door but he threw out his hand and stopped it._

_"You know, we've shared a bed before," he replied._

_"Fine," she said with a sigh. She let him push the door open and stood to the side as he stepped in._

_He went over to the mantel and looked at the photos. There was one of her smiling, her hair loose and the sun shining down on her face. She was accompanied by a man he recognised as Director David and two versions of herself, one older, one younger. Her mother and Tali, he assumed. There was a photo of the team at Ziva's birthday dinner taken by an obliging waiter. Again she was smiling. Tony flanked her on her right while McGee was to her left. Jenny, Ducky, Abby and Gibbs crowded in behind them. She looked happier than he had ever seen her before._

_"You look beautiful in this picture, you know," he told her._

_She had taken a seat on the couch and was mutely watching him. His eyes traversed across a few random photos of family and friends back in Israel and then he spotted a lone photo of Ari tucked away behind the others. He reached for it but then he pulled his fingers back._

_"I know he was a bad person but he was still my brother," Ziva called from across the room._

_"Ziva," Tony said, turning around to face her. "My father disinherited me when I was twelve because I didn't go for his baseball team. I haven't spoken to him in ten years but I still have a pair of cuff-links I stole from him. He's an arse but he's still my father. I'm the last to judge people for their relatives."_

_"Are you going to tell me why you are really here?" she asked._

_"I already told you. I thought you could use a friend," he replied. "And I wanted to tell you that I think you're the bravest person I know and that you should never question your judgement again."_

_"You were not almost killed," she said cooly._

_"No, not this time. But I have been shot at before and I'll probably be shot at again. You shot-back, Ziva," he continued. "You moved when you could and you shot-back. You aren't dead. Celebrate that."_

_"Honestly, I am too tired to celebrate," she admitted._

_"You weren't too tired to celebrate with Locke," he said, trying not to spit the name out with disdain._

_"So you really were jealous?" she asked, keeping her voice even._

_"Yeah, I was really jealous," he replied. He went over and sat on the coffee-table in front of her. "I wanted to be there for you but you wouldn't let me."_

_"I have wanted you to be there for me so many times but you never are," she said. "So forgive me for not rushing straight into your arms."_

_"What? I've always been there for you, Ziva," he said, genuinely confused._

_"Not the way I wanted you to be," she explained. She looked up at him boldly. "You think I would not have rather slept with you? Of course I would have but I did not. I cannot change that."_

_"No but we can deal with it," he replied. He placed his hand on her leg and implored her with his eyes. "Ziva, I..."_

_"Am ready for bed?" she asked. She yawned and he frowned at her in concern. She stood-up and held out her hand to him. "Come. Let's sleep. I promise we will talk in the morning."_

_She crawled into bed as he undressed down to his boxers. He slipped into bed next to her and tapped her on the shoulder._

_"Yes, Tony?" she asked. She rolled over._

_"I couldn't let you go to sleep without telling you something," he replied. He leaned over and gave her a soft kiss, the first of many. "Good night, Ziva."_

_"Good night, Tony," she whispered back as her eyes fluttered closed._

* * *

"Tony!" McGee cried. He looked at Gibbs. "I've called an ambulance."

"Good. Get her out of here," Gibbs said, pointing to Ainslee. He was kneeling next to Tony trying to put pressure on both wounds.

"I'm not leaving him," McGee shot-back. He squatted down next to Gibbs and pressed his hands against the whole in Tony's chest. "The bloods pumping through quickly. The ambulance better get here soon."

Tony's eyes fluttered and he gasped for air.

"Ziva," he whispered.

"Save your breath," Gibbs said.

"McGee, look after her. Look after Ziva," he whimpered. "And Gibbs. Both of you."

"DiNozzo, save your breath," Gibbs ordered. "McGee, keep pressure on the wound."

As if McGee was letting go.

"And my kids. Look after my kids..."

"You can look after them yourself, right boss?" McGee asked. He was being so brave. Tony wanted to cry. Wanted to have a few extra minutes to tell him. To tell his friend how proud of him he was. To tell him how good he'd grown-up. To tell him he was his best friend. To tell him so many things.

"He sure can," Gibbs answered.

"It's true," he gasped. "Your life really does flash before your eyes before you die."

"You are not dying," Gibbs said. The sirens were close now. Help was on it's way.

"I am, boss," he said. His eyes were closing and his breaths were getting shallower. "Love you guys. Tell Ziva..."

But he never finished his sentence. There was one last shuddering breath and then he closed his eyes.

"Open your eyes, Tony," McGee pleaded with his friend. "Tell Ziva what? Open your eyes."

"Tim," Gibbs said. He watched as his team-member began to perform CPR on Tony.

"Come on, Tony. Come on," McGee begged. "Don't give up."

His last thoughts were mostly of Ziva. The first time he met her. The last time he saw her. Every moment in-between. He saw a brief glimpse of his mother, an even smaller glimpse of his father and a few scattered, more prolonged glimpses of his NCIS family. But mostly, he saw Ziva.

* * *

_April, 2009._

He saw her in white. He saw her walking down the aisle towards him, accompanied by Gibbs. He saw the smile on her face as Gibbs kissed her on the cheek and placed her hand in Tony's. He saw the look in her eyes when they finally locked eyes. He saw the happy tears fill her eyes even through his own tears. He saw her trembling slightly as she slipped the ring on his finger. He saw her giddily sign her name next to his on the wedding certificate. He saw her wink at him seconds before the kissed. He saw her grinning bashfully when they finally pulled apart. He saw her beam and the give the thumbs up to her bridesmaids.

He felt her hand slip into his as they walked back up the aisle. He felt her body pressed against him as they dance. He felt her eyelashes against his cheek as she gave him a butterfly kiss. He felt her soft, naked skin as they made love for the first time as husband and wife. He felt her press herself into him as they drifted off to sleep. He felt her head against his chest when he woke. He felt her soft hair under his lips. He felt her... He saw her... He loved her... His wife...

* * *

_December, 2009._

It was Christmas day. Not only was it Ziva's first Christmas as a wife, it was her first Christmas ever. She had agreed to celebrate it only if Tony celebrated Hannukah with her. He had been jubilant. Eight days of presents. But that wasn't how it was done in the David family and it wouldn't be done like that in the DiNozzo family. It was one day of presents at the end, just like his Christmas.

They had awoken early and lay in bed. They weren't due at Gibbs place for hours. Ziva was lying on her stomach. She blew on his face and he turned his head away. She laughed at him and pulled his face back to meet hers.

"I have something to tell you," she said.

"I'm a-listening," he replied.

"It is kind of an early Christmas present," she said.

"It's not all I'm getting is it?" he asked.

"No, no," she chuckled. "You will get more."

"Well. Spill," he prodded. He ran his fingers down the side of her face. "Is it good news?"

"I think so, yes," she said with a nod. She beamed at him. "I am pregnant, Tony."

"Pregnant?" he asked. He sat-up straight and looked her over. He carefully looked at her stomach as if it would pop-put at any second. "As in we're having a baby?"

"That is generally what happens when someone is pregnant," she answered evenly. She was still smiling but her face had fallen a little bit.

"A baby, Ziva," he whistled. He leaned down to her and kissed her furiously. "That is amazing. I'm going to be a dad."

"So you are happy?" she asked. The smile had widened again and any trace of worry was gone.

"Happy? I'm ecstatic," he answered. He kissed her again until she laughed and pushed him away.

"I need to breathe, darling," she laughed. She patted her stomach and sighed blissfully. "What did I do to deserve all this?"

* * *

_September, 2010._

"Isn't she the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?" Tony asked. He gently moved his as-yet-unnamed baby girl to his other arm and continued to stare down at her.

"What are you going to call her?" Abby asked. She was peering over Tony's shoulder.

"We have not decided yet," Ziva admitted. "There are a few ideas in the pipe."

"Pipeline," everybody chorused.

"That too," Ziva replied. She was giddy with happiness today. Nothing could bring her down.

The team left after a suitable amount of time. Ziva and Tony were alone with their teeny-tiny baby girl.

"She looks like you," Tony said.

"She looks like a baby," Ziva replied realistically.

"I have an idea for a name. How about 'Avigail'?" he suggested.

"Avigail," she said, rolling it around her tongue. "It is a lovely name."

"I want to name her after Abby but I know you had your heart set on a Hebrew name. I think it's a nice little compromise," he explained. "We could call her 'Ava' for short."

"Abby would like that a lot," Ziva nodded. She didn't point out that 'Abigail' was actually a Hebrew name. The idea was sweet and he had obviously put a lot of thought into it. Nor did she need to ask why he wanted to name their daughter after Abby. She already knew. "Avigail DiNozzo. Ava DiNozzo. I like the sound of that. It sounds perfect."

They both smiled at each other for a job well-done. They had never been so happy or as proud of themselves as they were that day. And when Ethan was born two years later, they had felt it all over again.

* * *

Various moments filled his head.

Hearing Ziva sing in the shower. Gluing McGee's 'mug' to his desk. Throwing rubber-bands at Ziva to see how long it would take until she noticed. Being given a rib-crushing hug by Abby. Watching as Ziva folded the laundry. Having Gibbs chew him out over some stupid mistake he couldn't even remember. Feeling Ziva climb into bed next to him and wrap herself around him. Watching Ava twirl across a stage in a tutu when she was meant to be following the other girls. Ziva telling him she loved him. Cheering as Ethan kicked the winning goal. Eating dinner with Ziva late one night when the children were asleep. His mother buttoning his jacket and sending him off to school with a kiss. Kissing Ziva as he rushed out the door. His father patting him on top of the head, proud for once. Ziva... her eyes, her hair, her nose, her lips. Dancing with Ziva, eating with Ziva, reading next to Ziva, sleeping with Ziva, laughing with Ziva, crying with Ziva, cooking for Ziva, kissing Ziva, holding Ziva, touching Ziva...

And then nothing.

* * *

_November, 2018._

"Tim," Gibbs said again. He gently moved McGee's hands off Tony's body.

"Couldn't save him. Tried but I couldn't save him," McGee muttered to himself. He looked over at Gibbs. "Gibbs, I couldn't save him."

"I couldn't either," Gibbs replied simply. He stood-up and forced himself to turn away from Tony's too-still body. He went over to Ainslee and knelt in front of her. "You alright?"

"That man got shot because of me," she whispered.

"Yeah, he did," Gibbs answered.

"I just want to go home. I want to see my husband. I just..." she said before she began to weep. She lowered her face into her hands and sobbed.

"We're going to take you home," Gibbs replied. He rubbed her back. "You're safe now."

"Does he have a wife?" Ainslee asked pointing to Tony. The paramedics had lain a white sheet over him.

"Yep. And two children," he answered. He heard McGee tell the paramedics to leave the body where it was. They didn't think it was a good idea. Gibbs intervened. "Take Mrs. Cook to Bethesda. We'll take care of..."

He couldn't say 'the body' because the body had a name. And he couldn't say 'Tony.' It was still too soon.

After a few minutes the paramedics had loaded Ainslee and were driving her off the hospital where she would be reunited with her family and kept in overnight for observation. Ducky drove up fifteen minutes later. With a heavy heart and no talking, he and Palmer loaded Tony's body into the back on the autopsy van.

"What happens next?" McGee asked as they watched the van disappear.

"We tell Ziva," Gibbs replied. They hopped into the car and drove wordlessly away.

"This isn't the way to Ziva's," McGee pointed out.

"We just have to make a stop first," he said. They stopped briefly at Gibbs house so he could into his Marine uniform as a sign of respect and then they went to deliver the news to Ziva.

"Hey boss?" McGee asked when they were back in the car.

"Yeah."

"What do you think Tony wanted us to tell Ziva?" he asked.

There was a long silence and then a short exhalation of breath.

"I don't know," Gibbs admitted.

"Hey boss?"

"Yeah, McGee," Gibbs replied slightly impatiently.

"I wish he wasn't dead."

* * *

It took McGee three months before he could talk to Ziva without apologising profusely. The point came where she wasn't sure whether to hit him or hug him. She hugged him and he broke-down. She let him cry and pour out his anger and frustration on her. He relived the moments of Tony's death for her when she asked. He told her what Tony said. He told her how Tony looked. He even told her how his last breath sounded. Then he told her how he tried to save him and Ziva smiled. She told him what Tony had wanted to say but couldn't. That she was proud of him, that he had grown-up well and that he had been Tony's best friend.


	4. Where Ava is Wise

**NCIS**

**Unprepared**

**A/N:**Thank you so much for all your reviews. An even bigger thanks to M E Wofford and Cable-Addict for correcting my mistakes in the first chapter and chapter three. My head is not all here lately. It's hay fever season in Australia. My head hurts, my nose is running, my eyes hate me and my sinuses feel like they're full of... ice or something. I don't know. This was so hard to type as I have two Band-aided fingers. You would think working in retail would be safe and injury-free but you would be wrong. Also this chapter started off being about one thing and then ended up being about something entirely different.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own nor am I affiliated with NCIS in anyway. I also don't own the lyrics.

* * *

**Chapter Four:** Where Ava Is Wise

* * *

_"Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?  
Can't live, can't breathe with no air  
That's how I feel whenever you ain't there  
There's no air, no air."_

_'No Air.' Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown._

_February, 2019._

_The phone on Tony's still unoccupied desk rang. McGee froze and looked over at Gibbs._

_"What do I do?" he asked._

_"Answer it," Gibbs ordered._

_McGee slowly walked over to the desk and picked it up._

_"Hello?"_

_"Uncle Tim, it's Ava. Is my daddy there?" she asked cheerfully. "I came first in the spelling bee at school and I wanted to tell him."_

_"He's, uh, not here, Ava," McGee answered. Gibbs stopped what he was going and looked-up._

_"Can you tell him to call me when he gets back?" she continued._

_"Ava, Tony can't call you back," he replied softly. "Do you remember what happened?"_

_"I forgot," she whispered._

_"It's okay, sweetie. Sometimes I forget he's gone too," McGee admitted. "It sucks when you remember, doesn't it?"_

_"Yep," she replied tearily._

_"You know you can call me if you ever need too. I'm not your father but I've known you since you were born," he suggested. "I like hearing about things like spelling bees."_

_"Can I really?" Ava asked. All she wanted was a father._

_"Of course, kiddo," he replied._

_"Thanks Uncle Tim," she said. She sounded slightly happier._

_"No problems. I'll talk to you later?"_

_"Talk to you later," she said._

_"That was well-handled, McGee," Gibbs said from across the bullpen._

_"Really, boss? Because it didn't feel well-handled," McGee admitted. "I feel so helpless. I lost my best friend but Ethan and Ava lost their father. Ziva lost her husband. I don't think any of them are taking it very well."_

_"Probably not," Gibbs agreed. "But we're doing all we can and so are they."_

* * *

_September, 2028._

"Happy birthday, sweetheart," Ziva smiled as she placed a large cake down in front of Ava. "Make a wish."

The entire room grinned back at her as she closed her eyes and made her wish. She blew the candles out in one go.

"She's always had a big mouth," Ethan teased.

"Please, Emmeline has a bigger mouth," Jethro replied, punching his eldest sister on the arm.

"Emmeline, please don't punch him back," McGee begged his daughter. "He couldn't use his arm for two weeks after the last time. You're seventeen and he's only eleven. It's not exactly a fair fight."

"He shouldn't have said those things about me then," she shot-back. Jethro poked his tongue out at her and when McGee wasn't looking, she smacked him on the arm.

"I heard that," McGee said without turning around.

"You only said not to punch him," Emmeline pointed out.

"You knew what he meant," Abby said. She turned to Ava. "Are you going to cut the cake?"

"I'm going to cut it very carefully because there isn't a single guy here worth kissing," she said, giving Jethro a pointed look. He had had a crush on her since he was five and she was twelve.

"You could kiss Uncle Tim," Ziva joked lightly.

'Well in that case," Ava said. She gave her mother and Abby a wicked grin and purposely dragged the knife down through the icing. She pulled it up and feigned a gasp. "Oh, look. It's dirty. Come here, Uncle Tim."

"It's okay, Ava. You don't have to kiss me," he said. He ducked his head in embarrassment.

"You don't want me to kiss you?" she pouted.

"Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him," Ethan started to cheer. Lainey was next to join in then Emmeline and Jethro. Abby was next to add her voice to the chorus and Ziva rounded out the numbers.

Ava stood-up and walked over to her uncle. She gave him a big sloppy kiss on the cheek. The kitchen erupted into cheers and catcalls as McGee wiped his face.

"Thanks, Ava," he said.

"What about me?" Gibbs asked coming into the kitchen.

"Gibbs!" Ava squealed. She ran over and threw her arms around him. He pointed to his cheek and she kissed him.

"Sorry we're late. I bought you something," he said in apology.

"It's from me too," Jenny said. She had come into the room behind him.

"Thank you so much," Ava cried. She gave Gibbs another hug and then gave one to Jenny. "Will I like it?"

"I think so," Jenny replied with a grin. "Go on. Open it."

She unwrapped the purple cellophane wrapping carefully and placed it to the side. She opened it to reveal an exquisitely engraved jewellery box.

"Wow. It's so beautiful," she gasped. "Mama, isn't it lovely?"

"Lovely," Ziva echoed. She had tears in her eyes but she was smiling. Happy tears, for once.

"Well, open it," Jenny prodded. She was leaning against Gibbs and he had his arms wrapped around her waist.

"Okay," she said. She opened it and pulled out a locket on a long silver chain. She opened the locket and found a picture of her and Tony inside. She fingered the photo and looked up at Jenny and Gibbs with tears in her eyes. "Thank you so much. It's so beautiful."

"Glad you like it," Jenny beamed.

"The chain was Kelly's," Gibbs explained.

"And the locket was mine. I used to keep a photo of me and my father in there. I thought you might like it," Jenny added.

"You should open our present," Abby said. She handed over a similarly wrapped box which Ava eagerly opened.

"Wow. You guys are the best," she breathed. This time she unwrapped a silver Pandora charm bracelet. There were two charms already on it. Once was a letter 'D' in memory of Ducky and the other was a football in memory of Tony. "It's perfect."

"Do you want mine now?" Ziva asked.

"But you already gave me my presents," Ava replied, confused.

"If you don't want it..." Ethan said, flashing a small box at her and then putting it back into his pocket.

"Of course I want it. Who could say no to more presents?" Ava asked. She took the blue velvet box from her brother and opened it. Inside sat two shiny, silver daisy ear-rings with two sparkling diamonds in the centre. "Are those real?"

"Very real," Ziva said with a nod.

"I love them," she replied.

"They were mine," Ziva explained. "My father gave them to me when I turned eighteen and I am now giving them to you. I hope you will pass them onto your daughter as well."

"Thanks, Mama," Ava said. She gave her mother a big hug.

"I am glad you like them," Ziva smiled.

"You guys really put a lot of thought into this," Ava said to everyone. "It's really sweet."

She had always gotten great birthday presents but they were slightly more generic. DVDs, books, an iPod, a laptop, hand-knitted scarves. Always things she had wanted and asked for but not quite as special.

"Eighteen isn't just another birthday," Abby pointed out. "It's special. Tony would have been so upset he missed you becoming an adult."

"He would've been proud of you," McGee added.

"In fact, we're all proud of you," Jenny agreed.

"Even me," Gibbs whispered.

"I wish Dad could have been here," Ava replied. "But I'm glad you're all here."

"Sob, sob," Ziva mocked. She picked up the knife and ran a finger down the blunt side. "Who wants cake?"

* * *

"Did you have a good birthday?" Ziva asked Ava when everyone had gone home. There was a late-night talk-show but neither of them was paying attention.

"I had the best birthday ever," Ava answered. "Birthdays make me miss Daddy and Ducky though."

"Me too," Ziva admitted. "But they would want us to enjoy ourselves."

"I hope they don't look down on us," Ava said warily. She was going to admit something to her mother that she had kept a secret since her father had died.

'Why is that?" Ziva asked. Her interest had been piqued.

"Because they would've hated seeing what their deaths did to us," she replied.

"You are right," Ziva agreed. "They would have."

"You're not mad at me?" she asked.

"Mad? How could I be mad when what you are saying is the truth?" Ziva responded. "I regret that time. I wish I had of been there more for you and Ethan."

"You're here for us now," Ava said. "That's all that matters."

They were silent for a few minutes. Ziva looked up at the clock.

"It's 11.59. Happy birthday, Ava," Ziva said. She looked over fondly at her daughter. "You have always been wiser than me, sweetheart. You used to shock me with some of the things you said but you were always right. You still are."

"Thank you, Mama."

* * *

_August, 2015._

_"Ava, wake-up," Tony said. He shook his daughter and tried to rouse her._

_"What?" she snapped grumpily. Her voice was still thick with sleep and her eyes refused to open._

_"It's time to wake-up," Tony replied._

_"Don't want to wake-up. Want to stay in bed," she murmured._

_"I guess you don't want the pancakes I made for you then," he shrugged. He sat on the edge of the bed and sighed. "I guess I'll have to eat them. They look so good. They have choc-chips in them. My favourite."_

_"Don't eat my pancakes, Daddy," Ava ordered. "I'll eat them when I get up."_

_"Too late," he said, his mouthful._

_"Daddy!" Ava shrieked. Suddenly her eyes were open and she was wide-awake._

_"You didn't want them," Tony shrugged._

_"Yes I do," she whined. "Daddy, give them to me."_

_"Excuse me?" he asked._

_"Please give them to me," she corrected herself._

_"I can't let you eat them in bed. Mama would kill me," he said. "Come downstairs and we'll eat them together."_

_"But then they'll be cold," Ava groaned. "Can't I just eat them up here? It can be our little secret."_

_"I suppose but we have to promise never to tell Mama, okay?" he whispered. He held out his pinky. "Pinky promise."_

_She held out her pinky and they hooked them together. Tony handed her the plate of pancakes and then picked another up off the floor._

_"Why do you have two plates?" Ava asked._

_"You have to be prepared for anything," he told her. He picked up his fork and took a mouthful. "Yum."_

_"These are so good, Daddy," she agreed. "I could eat pancakes every day."_

_"Me too," he replied. "But then we'd probably get sick of them. How about we just have them on Saturdays?"_

_"Only on Saturdays?" she sighed._

_"Come on. It can be our thing," he tried. "Like Ethan and Mama only have blueberry muffins on Tuesday's."_

_"But everybody has pancakes on Saturday," Ava pouted._

_"Well what if we eat ours in bed?" he suggested. "It might be tricky because we'll have to hide it from Mama but what do you say? Should we give it a go?"_

_Of course Ava couldn't say no to having a 'thing' with her father so she nodded eagerly._

_"Sounds like a plan, Daddy," she said._

_"It does, doesn't it?" he replied. He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "Now, let's eat these before Mama finds out."_

_They lasted three weeks before Ziva found out. She turned a blind eye and they continued the tradition until the week before his death. The day he died was the first Saturday in four years that Tony and Ava hadn't eaten their pancakes in bed. When Ava was old enough to learn how to make pancakes, she started the tradition again. This time, though, they all ate them together in Ziva's bed._

* * *

_March, 2019._

Ava knocked on Ziva's door. She and Ethan stood with their ears pressed against the door listening for any signs of life. There was nothing. Ava knocked again.

"Mama? Ethan and I are hungry," she called. They waited silently for a moment. Ava knocked again. "Mama?"

"I don't think she's coming," Ethan said. He frowned. "Ava, I'm too small to get my own breakfast."

"I'll get it for you," she said. "I think Mama's too sad to get it for us."

She took him by the hand and led him down the stairs and into the kitchen. She set about trying to make them pancakes.

"You have to turn the frying pan on," Ethan said seriously. "And you have to make the batter."

"You turn the stove on and I'll get the batter," she decided. She went to the cupboard and stood on her tiptoes. She pulled out the container of flour. She poured some into a mixing bowl, added six eggs and half a bottle of milk.

"It doesn't look right," Ethan complained as she tried to mix it.

"It will soon," she said.

"No it won't!" he yelled.

"Yes it will!" she screamed. "I've seen Mama do it before and I used to watch Daddy do it all the time. I'm doing it right. And if she won't make us breakfast then I will."

Ava tipped the pancake batter into the frying pan sloppily. Some of it slopped over the sides and began to burn. The kitchen began to fill with smoke.

"I think you're burning it," Ethan said.

"Avigail Leah DiNozzo!" Ziva yelled from the doorway. She raced over and turned the hot-plate off. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Making breakfast," she said in a small but defiant voice.

"Making breakfast?" Ziva mimicked. She towered over her daughter. "You could have burned the house down."

"I just wanted pancakes for breakfast," Ava said. Her voice was lower now and she looked scared.

"What is wrong with cereal?" Ziva asked.

"It's Saturday. We always have pancakes on Saturday," Ethan piped-up.

Ziva sank down onto a chair and her head slammed onto the table. She looked up after a second.

"If you want pancakes, I will make you pancakes," she sighed. "But do not ever make them by yourself again. Do you hear me?"

"We wouldn't have made them if you got out of bed," Ava pointed out.

"Do you want pancakes or not?" Ziva asked carefully. She kept her face emotionless and her voice even. "I said, do you want pancakes or not?"

"No," Ava answered. Her eyes were teary but Ziva was mad.

* * *

Ziva was cleaning up the kitchen when Gibbs let himself into the house. He walked into the kitchen and surveyed the sight.

"What happened here?" he asked.

"Ava tried to make breakfast," Ziva answered. "There was an accident."

"Are you guys okay?" Gibbs asked.

"Yes," Ava and Ethan chorused.

"Are you okay?" he asked Ziva. She nodded and then yelped when he hit her over the back of her head. "Upstairs. Now!"

"Gibbs, you cannot order me around in my own house. You are not my boss anymore," she snapped.

"I said upstairs, now," he repeated.

"Fine," she hissed.

She got up and stormed out of the room and up the stairs. He waited until he heard her slam the door shut before he spoke again.

"I'm just going to talk to your mum for a little bit. You two stay out of trouble, okay?" he said.

"Okay," Ethan answered.

"Hey Gibbs?" Ava asked. She put her crayons down and looked up at him.

"Yeah, Ava," he said. He knelt down in front of her.

"Is my mama going to be okay?" she asked.

His heart fell but as usual, his face showed no emotion.

"Yeah, your mama's going to be okay. Maybe not right away but she will," he replied. He gave her a little smile. "You and Ethan just need to take good care of her for me."

He went upstairs and and stood outside Ziva's bedroom door. He knocked on the door.

"What?" she called.

"Can I come in?" he asked. He heard her sigh and he took that as a yes. He pushed open the door and found her sitting on the window seat staring out the window. "How are you doing, Ziva?"

"Everything is just peachy," she answered.

"Why was Ava trying to make pancakes?" he asked patiently.

"Because she is eight years old and that is what an eight year-old does," Ziva answered. "They experiment in the kitchen."

"Don't lie to me," he replied.

"Fine," she sighed. "I did not get out of bed and she took it upon herself to try and cook."

"Why didn't you get out of bed?"

"Sometimes it is... hard to get up. I am so tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep," she answered.

Gibbs tried to understand but when his wife and daughter had died, he'd been so hell-bent on revenge that sleep had been the last thing on his mind.

"You're going to have to get over that," he said.

"You think I do not want to?" she asked bitterly. "I hate feeling like this, Gibbs, but I just lost my husband. Forgive me if it takes some time to get used to this."

"Yeah, Ziva. And your kids just lost a parent. They can't lost another one," he snapped back.

"I know that," she whispered.

When she looked at him he was blown by how much agony he saw. Every time he looked into hers now all he saw was pain. He knew that pain. He'd felt it himself. But he hated seeing it in the people he loved. How long would it be before he couldn't look in her eyes anymore?

"Then start being a mother again," he told her.

"I do not know how to do it without Tony," she replied. She whispered his name. It stung on the way out of her mouth. "He has always been there. I do not know how to do this alone."

"You'll learn," Gibbs promised. "It might take time but you'll learn."

"I cannot even breathe without him here," she said. Her breathing became shallow and she gasped as if demonstrating it to him.

Gibbs was at her side in a second. He calmly rubbed her back until her breathing was normal again. He kissed her on the temple and pulled her close.

"I promise you you'll learn how to breathe without him. You're life doesn't stop because he's gone," he said. "But you've got to start small. Start by being a better mother to Ava and Ethan. Then we'll take it slow. And don't worry about the bills. We'll help you out if you need it. And if you ever want your job back, you know where I am."

"We do not need the money," Ziva answered.

"I know how much DiNozzo made and I know how much you made before you left," Gibbs replied.

"Yes but you do not know how much money my grand-father left me when he died," she said. She was the only surviving grand-child and in their family, the inheritance went to the grand-children. "Besides, my place is here at home with my children."

"I understand. If you ever want to come back to work but, my door is open," he said. She shivered at the thought and he rubbed her shoulder. "You really are going to be okay, Ziva."

"So everybody keeps telling me," she sighed.

"Yeah, well, you have to listen because it's me," he replied.

"Is this how you felt when Shannon and Kelly died?" she asked.

"Not really. All I wanted was to kill the bastard that killed them," he answered. "I've already killed the bastard that did this to Tony."

"And I am grateful for that," she replied.

"It was nothing he didn't deserve," Gibbs replied. He stood-up. "I have to go. You call me if you need anything."

"I will," she nodded. She gave him a half-hearted crooked smile. "Thank you, Gibbs."

"It's my pleasure, David," he replied.

"DiNozzo," she corrected reflexively. She caught him smiling and she couldn't help but grin back.

* * *

Ziva snuck into Ava's bedroom later that night. She knelt down beside her little girl and took in the scent of her breath.

"I am so sorry, Ava," she whispered. She climbed into bed next to her and made herself comfortable.

"Mama?" Ava asked sleepily.

"Hey baby," she replied. She brushed some hair off her face. "Sorry I woke you."

"It's okay," Ava said.

"I just wanted to say I am sorry I yelled at you. And I'm sorry I have been a bad mother lately," she apologised. "I promise I am going to try and be a better Mama, okay?"

"Okay," Ava answered. "Do you miss Daddy?"

There was a long pause as Ziva steadied her breathing. She forced a smile onto her face.

"Of course I miss Daddy but I am getting better," she said. "Do you miss Daddy?"

"All the time," Ava admitted. "I forget he isn't here sometimes and then it makes me sad. I rang him at work once and Uncle Tim picked-up the phone."

"Oh, Ava," she groaned. "Why didn't you tell me this?"

"Because you've been so sad. I didn't want to make you sadder," Ava replied.

"It is okay to talk about Daddy. I want you to talk about him. It is going to make me sad for a very long-time but I care more about you and Ethan. You are all I have left now and I do not like to think about you being sad," Ziva told her.

"We're not all you have left," Ava said. "We have Gibbs and Ducky and Aunty Abby and Uncle Tim."

"Yes, I guess we do," Ziva smiled. "Are you sleepy?"

"No. I'm awake," Ava answered. "I like talking to you."

"Do you want to watch a movie in Mama's room?" she suggested.

"Can I pick?"

"Only if you do not pick 'Aquamarine,'" Ziva specified. "I am sick of that movie."

"Fine," Ava sighed dramatically. "I'll pick something else."

Later when the movie was finished and Ava was fast-asleep, her body pressed-up against Ziva's, Ziva looked down at her little girl. She saw Tony in every movement and on every inch of Ava's face. But for a split second, it didn't hurt to watch her. And that was when Ziva knew. It would take time but she really would be alright.

She had to be. She owed it to her little boy and her little girl.


	5. Where Tony is Buried

**NCIS**

**Unprepared**

**A/N:**Thanks again for the reviews. These last few chapters have been more dialogue-driven than I intended them to be and there was less focus on Ziva. It was meant to be a story about her but I just go with the flow and go where the story takes me. I'm probably going to be tying this up in a few chapters. Thanks for the support from those of you who review! It makes me so happy to hear what you have to say.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own nor am I affiliated with NCIS in anyway. I also don't own the lyrics.

* * *

**Chapter Five:**Where Tony is Buried

* * *

_"Lying in my bed, I hear  
The clock tick and think of you  
Caught up in circles  
Confusion is nothing new."_

_'Time After Time.' Cyndi Lauper._

_April, 2029._

"I've never seen this before. An American flag on the mantelpiece?" Simone noted. "How patriotic."

"It was my father's. I was given it when he died," Ethan said. "Mama sent it to me. I guess I left it behind."

"Ethan, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean..." she started to apologise but she trailed off.

"I know. It's okay. You didn't know," Ethan replied.

"I should have known," she said with a shake of her head. She briefly let her fingers rest on the smooth material. Her eyes hovered over a picture of a man with a big smile and twinkling green eyes. "He was handsome."

"I guess."

"Do you miss him?" she asked. She turned around and threw him an apologetic look. "Sorry. Stupid question I guess. Of course you miss him."

"It sounds bad but I don't really remember him. Mama tells me stories about all the time. So does the rest of my family. Sometimes I wonder if I missed out on having a father than actually missing my father."

"Jenny and Abby have told me a little bit about him," she said. She walked over to the couch and sat down. Ethan slid-down next to her.

"No-one except for Ducky ever called him 'Anthony.' He was obsessed with movies and Hollywood. The classics and the cult-movies though. Mama said he called them 'films' and he quoted them incessantly. Bond was his favourite. He owned every single one of them. We used to watch one a night during the school holidays. At least Ava and Dad did. I'd fall asleep about twenty minutes into them but he'd always carry me to bed," Ethan started. "I don't remember much else about him. He was a really good cook. He made the best lasagne. And he was a whiz with a football. I remember playing with him once. That's about it. I remembered more when I was younger but you don't really think you're going to forget. You don't hang onto the memories because you don't think you have too."

"Of course not. I guess you can't really comprehend what death is either," she pointed out. She shivered slightly. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost one of my parents."

"Mama took it the hardest. Aunty Abby said that her and Dad were soul mates and that everybody knew it," Ethan continued. "I guess even know it would be weird to see her with a man who isn't my father."

"It would," Simone agreed. "I wish I could have met him."

"Me too. He would have liked you. Hey, do you want to know what I thought the first time I met you?"

"What did you think?" she asked with a wry smile.

"I thought 'I'm going to marry that girl,'" he answered. He grinned when she laughed hysterically. "Why are you laughing? It's true."

"We were ten," she replied, still laughing. They had met when Simone moved to Washington D.C. with her family. Her father was an NCIS agent who had been transferred to the D.C officer. They'd gone to school together and been friendly but Simone had moved to Chicago with her mother when she was fifteen. They hadn't kept in contact but had met up again when Ethan moved to Chicago for college.

"Maybe but I still knew," he answered. "Can you honestly say you haven't thought that about me?"

"Honestly, Ethan, I've known you for my half my life but until we started dating, I hadn't thought anything like that," she admitted. "You weren't even on my romantic radar until we came here."

"'Until we started dating' means you have thought about it then," he prompted.

"Fine," she said. She rolled her eyes. "Jenny told me about your parents as well. They always knew they loved each other and they weren't afraid to show it. She said they even breathed in unison. I guess I wanted that."

"You can have that with me," he suggested. He grew silent and intense for a moment.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm trying to breathe in unison with you," he replied.

"I love you, Ethan DiNozzo," she whispered.

"I love you too, Simone March," he whispered back. They kissed and only pulled apart when the phone rang. Ethan groaned before he leant over and and snatched it up. "Hello."

"Ethan, it's Ava," his sister said. "I have some bad news. Ethan, Gibbs is dead."

* * *

_November, 2018._

The day of the funeral came. Somehow Ziva managed to get herself out of bed. She showered and pulled on her dressing gown. She straightened her hair, the mundane task giving her a short time of reprieve from the day, and pulled it into a sleek ponytail. Someone knocked at the door as she struggled to pull a pair of stockings on.

"Ziva, it's me. Can I come in?" Abby asked.

"Just give me one second," Ziva called. She finally tugged the stockings on. "You can come in now."

She was sitting on the edge of her bed. Her hair and make-up were done but she was still in her dressing-gown.

"You look nice. I thought you'd decided on the black dress and jacket but this works too," Abby said, trying to inject some humour into the situation.

"I just have not gotten dressed yet," Ziva shrugged. She went to the closet and pulled out a hanger. "Excuse me for a moment."

"Sure," Abby replied. She sat down on the edge of the bed. Ziva had left the en suite door slightly ajar so that they could talk. "How are Ava and Ethan holding up?"

"I do not think they really know what is going on," Ziva admitted. "I have tried to explain it but they do not really get it."

"They're only young. You can't blame them for not understanding."

"I do not. I just wish I did not understand. I wish I was not going through this," Ziva said. She stepped out of the bathroom in her black sleeveless dress. "How do I look?"

"Hot. You know, if you weren't going to your husbands funeral. Sorry, Ziva. You know me. My mouth always runs away with me," Abby said. "You look good."

"Thank you, Abby," Ziva replied. She shot Abby a reassuring smile. "Do you think it will be cold?"

"Not in the church but it will be in the cemetery. We'll just bring you a jacket," Abby said. "Turn around. I have something for you."

"What is it?" Ziva asked. She turned around and felt Abby doing something to her hair.

"The finishing touch. It's a black ribbon," she said. "I tore it a little at the bottom. I know that you wear torn black ribbons at Jewish funerals so I thought you might like it."

"How do you know so much about death?" Ziva asked.

"I know. Believe me. I'm regretting it right about now. Imaginary death is so much cooler than real death," her friend admitted. She gave Ziva a half-smile. "I'm sorry, Ziva."

"I am sorry too, Abby. I know Tony meant a lot to you," she replied. Her hand travelled up and touched the ribbon. "Thank you for the ribbon. It was a sweet idea."

"I hate those words. 'I'm sorry.' I said I wasn't going to say them to you but I don't know what else to say," Abby admitted.

"You know what the say. We say cliches because they are true," Ziva said. "I think I am ready. How long until we need to leave?"

"About half an hour. Just enough time to have breakfast. McGee's making bacon... and eggs for you," Abby answered. "I think there's fruit salad and toast too."

"I better get Ava and Ethan ready first," Ziva said.

"Ducky was helping Ethan and Jenny was in with Ava," Abby replied. "It's all taken care of."

"I cannot thank you all enough," Ziva murmured. "You have already done so much for me."

"We're family. You'd do the same for any of us," Abby cut her off. "We're happy to do it. Well, not happy because Tony's dead but we're... happy to help you. I just keep sticking my foot in it, don't I?"

"You would not be you if you did not," Ziva smiled. The smile cost her a lot. Every time Abby reminded her that Tony was dead, it felt like a knife twisting in her stomach.

"It doesn't really make me feel any better. I'm trying so hard not to bring it up but the harder try, the harder it is. I'm sure you don't want me to remind you that-"

"Shall we go?" Ziva asked. "I should make sure the children eat something. It is going to be a long day."

Abby put her arm around Ziva's shoulder and kissed her on the cheek.

"I'm always going to be here for you. I might say the wrong things but I mean well," she whispered.

"I know, Abby," Ziva sighed. "I am grateful for it."

* * *

The eight of them stood outside Ziva's house. Two black town-cars were waiting idly by the curb. Gibbs, Ziva and the children would take one. Jenny, Ducky, Abby and McGee would take the other car. Ziva took Ava and Ethan's hands and led them towards the curb. The others followed her.

"I guess we'll see you there," Ziva said.

"We'll be thinking you, my dear," Ducky said. He stepped forward and pulled her into a hug.

"Thank you, Ducky," she replied. She slipped her arms around him.

"I'll be with you the whole time," Jenny added. She gently patted Ziva's shoulder before kneeling in front of Ava and Ethan. "I'll be with you two as well. If you need anything, come to me."

"We're here too," McGee said, speaking for him and Abby. "But you already knew that."

"Come on. We'd better go," Gibbs said.

Ziva sat in between Ava and Ethan while Gibbs took the passenger seat. She kept an arm around each of her children.

"How are you both feeling?" she asked.

"Sad," Ava answered.

"Are we going to see Daddy there?" Ethan asked. "Ducky said the day would be about remembering Daddy and we could talk to him."

"No, honey. Daddy will not be there," Ziva answered. A lump had grown in her throat and she swallowed back tears. She felt Gibbs eyes on her through the rearview mirror.

"You doing okay, Ziva?" he asked.

"Not really," she admitted. "I just want today to be over."

"You want to know a secret?" he asked. Ziva nodded. "It just gets harder after today."

"I cannot imagine it being any harder," she admitted.

They pulled up to the church and alighted from the car. Ziva kept a firm grip on Ava and Ethan's hands as they waited for the other group. The hearse holding Tony's coffin was parked closer to the church. Gibbs went over to speak to the funeral director as the rest of the group surrounded Ziva and the children. Ziva knelt in front of the children and pointed to the coffin which was being unloaded from the hearse.

"Do you see that box? It is called a coffin. Daddy's body is in there," she explained. "After the funeral we are going to go the cemetery and bury Daddy. We can visit him whenever we like."

"But he won't be there," Ethan said sadly.

"No, he will not be," she replied. She tapped Ethan on his chest. "He will always be in here though."

She stood-up and took both of their hands again. The rest of the team was talking quietly amongst themselves. Palmer joined them with Michelle a few minutes later. They both hugged Ziva and gave her their condolences. Gibbs motioned them forward and they walked over to him.

"Are you ready?" he asked Ziva.

"Not really," she admitted. "But there is no use putting it off any longer."

"Let's do this then," he said. He didn't mean to sound cavalier. He was hurting as much as anybody else. He, like Ziva, just wanted the day to be over with.

"We will see you inside," Ziva said. She took Ava's hand and reached for Ethan but he pulled his hand away.

"I want to help carry Daddy in," he said.

Gibbs, McGee, Ducky, Palmer and two pallbearers would carry the coffin in.

"But you are not tall enough," Ziva replied.

"Let him," Gibbs said.

The five girls walked into the church in a united front. They walked past the full rows of mourners. Ziva kept her eyes peeled to the pulpit. She couldn't bear to look into the faces of the people who had come to mourn the loss of her husband. She almost felt like they didn't deserve to feel even a smidgen of what she felt. After all, they hadn't loved him like she had. In the same breath, though, she was so touched that so many people had loved her husband. She was a constant see-saw of emotions and feelings. Even she couldn't trust what was going to come out.

They made it to the front row and took their seats as the sounds of Tony's favourite song 'Fly Me to the Moon' by Frank Sinatra came over the speakers. Ziva turned her eyes to the back of the church. Ethan walked in front of the coffin, leading the men. He was trying to march but it came across as a jolty walk. A tear ran down Ziva's cheek and she heard some audible sniffs from behind her. Abby was sobbing quietly and Jenny had tears streaming down her cheeks. The men had looks of pure grief on their faces. It wasn't just a physical burden that they carried into the church.

The walk seemed to take an eternity but finally they were setting the coffin down. The men came and took their seats. Gibbs sat on the end closest to the aisle with Ava next to him. Next came Ziva, Abby, McGee, Jenny then Ducky. Palmer and Michelle sat in the row behind them. Sinatra's 'Fly Me to the Moon' came on over the speakers as Tony's coffin was carried down the aisle. The priest took his position and looked out over the crowd.

"We are here today to celebrate the life of Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo. He is survived by his wife, Ziva, his daughter Avigail and his son Ethan," he started. When he had finished his spiel he introduced someone from NCIS to give the official speech. Jenny surprised Ziva by getting up and making her way over to the pulpit.

She read the official speech about Tony's bravery, how great an agent he was and how he would be missed. She added a little spiel of her own. He was a good friend, she loved him and she would miss him as a person, not an agent. She winked at Ziva from the stage before she joined them in the front row.

Gibbs was up next. He walked up slowly and looked over at the congregation.

"I'm not very good at these kind of things so I'll try and make this short. I've known Tony for about twenty years. He liked jazz, fast cars, movies, martinis and catching the bad guy. James Bond was his hero and he would spend countless hours walking around imitating Sean Connery. He was the kind of guy that you wanted to slap over the head every now and then," he said. A few giggles ripped through the crowd. "He was a hero. His life was taken so that someone else wouldn't have to die. I would've given my own life so that Tony didn't have too. He was like a son to me. I was so proud of him. I watched him grow from a young, immature bachelor to a happy, stable family man. He loved his children and he adored his wife. Ziva was his one true love and I know he felt lucky that she loved him back. I never saw him happier than when they were together. They had a beautiful family and it kills me that he isn't going to get to watch Ava and Ethan grow-up and have families of their own. I promise you, Tony, that I'll look after them for you. I love you, son. I'm so proud of you."

He walked silently back to the pew. He put his arm around Ethan and shared a glance with Ziva.

"How'd I do?" he asked. His speech had been simple but touching. At least, it had reduced Ziva to tears.

"It was beautiful. Thank you," she whispered. He briefly rested his hand on her shoulder.

The priest called her up and she went up onto the stage. Ava was safely snuggled into Abby's side. Ziva gave her a small wink before she took in a shaky breath and faced the mourners.

"I could stand here and talk about Tony all day but there are only a few things you need to know," Ziva started. "When Gibbs said that we had a beautiful family, he was not just talking about Ava, Ethan and myself. Gibbs, Abby, McGee, Jenny, Ducky, even 'Black Lung' and Michelle were our family. He loved you all so much and I know he was grateful to be part of your lives. Tony was the greatest man in the whole world. He loved me and he loved his children and we loved him back. He was the light of my life, my soul mate. I miss him so much already. I think he would be so awed to be here today and to see how many people loved him, how many people he touched. Tony loved an audience. He wasn't happy unless someone was paying attention to him. He made bad-jokes, he was annoying and he was a show-off but we all loved him for it. I'm always going to miss him but I will never regret the time that we had together. I love you, Tony. We will never forget you."

She walked back to the pew and slumped onto the seat. The rest of the service was a blur. The next thing she knew the men were going to pick the coffin up and she was being prodded down the aisle behind it. She stood outside and greeted everyone who came up to her. Tony's name and the word 'sorry' came up countless times. Finally it was time to go to the cemetery for the burial. Ziva was the last to hop in. The hearse pulled out and the two towncars followed it with their headlights on.

"You okay?" Gibbs asked from the front-seat. Again he was watching her from the front-seat.

"I have been better but I am okay," she said with a shrug. "I just want to go home and take this damn dress off."

"We still have the wake to get through," he reminded her.

"I have not forgotten," she replied. "Ethan, I was so proud of you. You did such a good job walking out in front of Daddy."

"Ducky thought it would be cool if I marched. Did you see me marching?" he asked.

"I did. You were very good. Maybe we'll make a soldier out of you yet," she said. It was so hard to be upbeat around him when all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry herself to sleep.

* * *

The grave site looked exactly how she'd hoped it would. Three rows of white plastic chairs were set up next to the open ground. The coffin was already resting on the edge. A flag had been draped across it and the arrangement of flowers that had topped it at the funeral were next to it. A man holding a bugle stood on the other side of the coffin. Gibbs had explained that he was purely ornamental and that 'Taps' was actually on cassette. It was a nice touch and Ziva appreciated it.

The front row had been left free for them. Ziva led the way and everybody took their seats.

"Is Daddy going in there?" Ethan asked, pointing to the gaping hole.

"Yes, stupid," Ava said. "He's going in there and you're never going to see him again."

"Avigail," Ziva gasped. "That is enough."

"Well it's true," she shot-back.

"I know it is true but we are all upset enough without you making it worse," Ziva hissed.

Ethan was crying and Gibbs picked the little boy up and placed him on his lap. He rocked him side to side. Ziva wiped a tear away and rubbed her son's back softly. She heard a small sob from Ava and she placed her arm around her daughter. Ava buried her face into Ziva's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Mama," she sobbed.

"It is okay, sweetheart. I am not mad," she whispered. Ethan crawled out of Gibbs lap and squished up to her other side.

"I would like to begin the committal of Tony by reading out Psalm Twenty-three," Father Martin said. He read out the psalm.

Gibbs nodded at the bugle-wielding, uniform-wearing man. He pressed play on the tape-player and the sounds of a bugle spilled out over the crowd. He put the bugle down and met Gibbs at the coffin. They picked the flag up and folded it. Ethan stood-up as Gibbs walked over to him. He held out his arms for the flag. Gibbs placed it gently into his arms. He straightened back up and saluted Ethan. The young boy saluted back and then threw his arms around Gibbs legs. Gibbs picked him up and sat back down with him.

There was not a dry eye in the crowd.

* * *

_January, 2019._

The bedroom was too quiet without Tony. He had always been there making noise. Even if it was just the sound of his breathing or his snoring, he was never silent. The room was too cold, too empty. He always took up room. But now his clothes weren't tossed on the floor or piling up in the dirty clothes basket. There was no C.D in the stereo or DVD playing on the screen. He wasn't sprawled across the bed or sitting on the window-seat. He wasn't sitting on the closed toiled-seat while she showered so they could talk about their day. He wasn't at the dinner-table or on the couch. He wasn't singing. He wasn't tacking Ziva onto the bed when she wasn't expecting it. He just wasn't there anymore.

It was almost like he had never existed. He had just disappeared into thin air leaving a whole bunch of people dazed and confused. They hadn't dreamed it, had they?

But Ziva knew. He had been real. He had existed. She had looked into those eyes, had heard his voice, had felt his touch on her, had smelt his breath. She had loved him and now she missed him.

Had it really only been three months?

There wasn't a moment that she didn't think of him. There wasn't a moment when she didn't wish for him to be alive. She ached for him.

Would that ever change?

* * *

_April, 2029._

And here they were again. Another heartbreak. Another loss. Another father gone. Another one bites the dust.

The man that had been their glue and had kept them going when all hope was lost was gone. How were they supposed to go on when he was their last beacon of hope?

Sometimes Ziva didn't know how they were supposed to go on. When it seemed like they were dropping like flies. How much more heartbreak could they take? First Tony then Ducky and now Gibbs. Soon there would be no-one left but their children. No-one wanted to be the last to go but no-one wanted to be next yet no-one wanted to live in a world where it hurt to breathe and where they lost the people they loved and needed the most. It seemed like the three men had moved on when everyone else was being left behind.

Who would be next? And would they be able to deal with it when they died?

"He was our strength," Jenny said as she gave his eulogy. "He was our strength and our guide. He was strong, he was brave. He stood for what he believed in. He never backed down. He was stubborn and reckless. He was our father, our friend and our lover. He was our Gibbs."

And their worlds would be worse without him.


	6. Where Ziva Starts to Breathe Again

**

* * *

**

NCIS

**Unprepared**

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay in updating. Work has been super-crazy lately. I haven't exactly been in the right frame of mind to read after the days we've had. Also, my bestest friend in the whole entirest world flew up from Melbourne for a surprise visit so of course we had to have a girls night-in. My poor Huckstable Huxley (also known as my laptop) has to go off for repairs on Monday so I'm going to try and finish the last chapter tonight or tomorrow. Hopefully the story will be finished before he has to go away. Anyway, here is an update for now. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own nor am I affiliated with NCIS in anyway. I also don't own the lyrics.

* * *

**Chapter Six: **Where Ziva Starts to Breathe Again

* * *

_"I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away._

_If I will it all away..."_

_'Whisper.' Evanescence._

_June, 2019._

"Thank you so much for doing this," Ziva said to Gibbs and Jenny. They were taking the children for the day so that Ziva could have some time to herself.

"Our pleasure," Gibbs answered.

"We love having them," Jenny agreed. "Plus I know you aren't much of a fan of carnivals."

"I like carnivals. I am just not in the right frame of mind for one," Ziva answered. "Do not forget to drop Ava off at Kristy's on the way home."

"We're not going to forget, Ziva," Jenny said patiently. "I'm the Director of a federal agency, remember? I have people to remember things for me."

"Ha ha," Ziva said. She put her head in through the open-window of the car. Ava and Ethan were already buckled in, ready and raring to go. "You two be good for Gibbs and Aunty Jen, okay? Do what they say and do not go anywhere without one of them. Do you hear me?"

"Yes Mama," they sighed.

"I think it's time to go," Gibbs said. He gently pulled Ziva away from the window. "They're going to be fine, Ziva."

He got into the car and started it. Ziva stood on the edge of the curb and waved until the car was out of sight.

It was then that she felt entirely alone and not looking to her day of quiet and solitude.

* * *

Ziva poured herself a glass of wine and put a record into Tony's record-player. She sipped her wine and closed her eyes peacefully as the first strains of music washed over her. She took another sip and went to sit on the couch when there was a knock on the front door. Ziva sighed. She opened the door and was greeted by a woman with dark hair who gave her a nervous smile.

"Hi Ziva. I'm Ainslee Cook," the brunette said.

"I know who you are," Ziva said coolly.

"Agent Gibbs said this would be a good time to come and see you," she continued. She tilted her head towards the glass that Ziva was holding. "I can come back later if this is a bad time."

"I guess this is as good a time as any," Ziva answered after a moment. "Come in."

Ainslee followed Ziva inside and into the living-room. She stood awkwardly just inside the doorway as Ziva turned the music down.

"You have a lovely home," she offered.

"Thank you," Ziva replied a little stiffly. "Would you like a glass of wine, Ainslee?"

"I shouldn't. I'm driving," Ainslee said. She removed her olive trench-coat and lay it over the back of the coat.

"Just one glass," Ziva repeated the offer. "It will not hurt."

"I guess you're right. Wine would be lovely," Ainslee agreed.

"Good," Ziva nodded. "I will be right back."

She left Ainslee in the living-room as she went to fetch another glass and the bottle. When she came back, Ainslee was looking at the pictures on display. Tony, as was expected, featured heavily in them. Ainslee was looking at Ziva's favourite. It was a black and white one of them on their wedding day. Tony had been off on some random tangent and Ziva had placed a finger on his lips to quieten him. The photographer had snapped them just as he was leaning in for a kiss, her finger still on his lips. It was so them.

"He never shut-up," Ziva said from behind Ainslee.

The guest turned around and smiled at Ziva.

"You look beautiful. And Tony was a very handsome man," she said.

"He was very handsome," Ziva agreed. She motioned to the cushy lounge. "Please, sit."

Ainslee accepted the glass from Ziva and sat across from her.

"I've tried to come here so many times but there never seems to be a good time. I was even at the funeral but I couldn't do it then," she started. "What do you say to the wife of the man who died saving your life?"

"I guess it would not be easy," Ziva replied. "I would not know what to say to me either."

"I don't want you to think that I'm ungrateful or that I think I have it harder than you. I don't. I feel bad that I'm alive and that Agent DiNozzo is dead. I'm not saying I wish I were dead because I don't. I'm just so very sorry that I'm alive and that he isn't. I'm going to see my children grow-up and have children of their own. Your children don't get to have a father and I hate to think about that," Ainslee continued. "I can't thank Agent Gibbs and Agent McGee enough for what they did. If Agent DiNozzo was here I wouldn't be able to thank him enough either. But since he isn't, I'll have to thank you instead."

"He was a brave man and I miss him very much. But how could we have lived with ourselves if it had been you that died and not him?" Ziva said after a moment. "It kills me that he is gone but I make it through each day. Children should have a mother."

"And a father. Ziva, if I could change things..." Ainslee said. She shrugged. What more could she say? There were tears in her eyes and in Ziva's.

"Honestly, Ainslee, I would never sacrifice you to bring him back. I could not sacrifice your happiness for mine as much as I sometimes wish I could. Just please do me a favour," Ziva requested.

"Anything," Ainslee whispered.

"Please do not make my husbands death be in vain. Look after yourself and your family. Spend as much time with them as you can. I know it is cliche but make every moment count. Do not make me resent you for being alive," she pleaded. "Do not make the fact that I cry myself to sleep count for nothing."

"I will," Ainslee agreed. She smiled warily at Ziva. "Do you want to tell me about Tony? I'd like to know about him. He saved my life."

"He was a hero," Ziva said with a proud smile of her own. "And he was the most irritating man I ever met..."

They talked for over two hours. Ziva told Ainslee about Tony. It was nice to talk to someone who had never met him and couldn't finish half the punchlines. Ainslee showed Ziva pictures of her husband and her family. They were close and intimate for that time but Ziva knew they would never be friends. This was something that wouldn't go past the lounge-room or past the morning.

But when Ainslee left, Ziva realised Gibbs was right. It did help knowing her husband had died a hero. It did help knowing that a woman was alive because of him. And it did help knowing that a child would be getting a kiss goodnight from her mother because of him.

* * *

When Gibbs and Jenny returned with Ethan in the afternoon, they heard the unmistakable sounds of Frank Sinatra. Jenny went to help Ethan wash his hands while Gibbs searched for Ziva. He found her lying on the lounge-room floor staring up at the ceiling. There was a half-empty glass of wine, her fourth of the day, next to her. He lay down on the rug next to her. They lay in silence for a few minutes letting the music wash over them.

"I am not crazy," Ziva whispered.

"I know," Gibbs replied simply.

"I just miss him. Listening to his favourite music makes me feel closer to him," she explained.

"You don't have to explain to me, Ziva. I get it," he replied. When his family had died he had done similar things. He'd taken Kelly's doona off her bed and slept with it for three months and he always used Shannon's mug although he had a full cupboard of them.

"I feel like no-one is going to understand. I feel like I have to justify missing him," she continued.

"You have every right to miss him and if people don't understand it's their problem," Gibbs said firmly.

"I just keep waiting for it to pass. I am annoying even myself. I cannot imagine what I am doing to everyone else," she sighed.

"Screw everyone else," Gibbs growled.

"Tony always used to say the best way to listen to Sinatra was with martinis and dancing. The second best way is to lie on the floor with the volume up and your eyes closed," she said. "I took the second. My heart is not really into dancing right now."

"That's just because you had no-one to dance with," he replied. He stood-up and offered her his hand.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Just stand up, DiNozzo," he ordered.

She gave him a wary look but after she had gotten herself into a suitable position, she gave him her hand. He helped her up and then put his arms in the typical dance position. Ziva began to giggle as he swayed from side-to-side. She matched his rhythm and they began to waltz around the room. Gibbs spun her out and she began to laugh as she twirled back in.

"You are one smooth dancer, Leroy Jethro Gibbs," she said through her chuckles.

"What's going on in here?" Jenny asked from the doorway. She was holding Ethan in her arms and they were watching the two dance.

"We're dancing, Jen," Gibbs said in his 'what does it look like?' tone.

"Come and join us," Ziva beckoned.

"What do you think? Do you want to join the crazy people?" Jenny asked Ethan.

"Yeah!" he cried.

Jenny placed him on the ground and he bounced over to Ziva and Gibbs. She followed at a slightly more sedate pace. Ethan held his hands up to Jenny and she took both of them. They bounced to the music.

"I want to dance with Mama!" Ethan announced as the next song came on.

"The polite thing to do is tap Gibbs on the shoulder and ask if you may cut in," Jenny explained.

"I can't reach Gibbs shoulder," he pouted.

"How about I help you?" she asked. He nodded and she hoisted him up. "You're getting too big for this."

"Am not," he retorted.

"Are too," she shot-back. She wrinkled her nose up at him and they pressed their noses together briefly.

Gibbs and Ziva were still dancing but they had moved on from their 'waltz.' They both pretended to look surprised when Ethan tapped Gibbs on the shoulder.

"Can I cut in?" he asked Gibbs seriously.

"You want to dance with me?" Gibbs asked. He winked at Jenny and took the boy out of her arms. He spun around with him. Ethan was laughing hysterically when he finally came to halt.

"I think I'm going to hurl," he groaned. Gibbs dumped on the couch and he spread out across it.

"I guess you do not want to dance with me then," Ziva said with a fake pout.

"I do! I do!" he cried. He held his arms out expectantly to his mother.

"If you're sure," Ziva said with a big dramatic sigh. She took his hands and immediately twirled him around.

Gibbs held his arms out to Jen and she came into them. She rested her head against his chest and even though the song was boppy and fast-paced, they swayed together.

"Ava is going to be so pissed she missed this," Ethan yelled excitedly.

The three adults paused and glared at him.

"Ethan Michael DiNozzo," Ziva said. She was trying to hold back a smile.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Do not say 'pissed' again," she ordered.

"Oh, Mama..."

* * *

_March, 2030._

Ava was dressed for work. She went into the kitchen and found Ziva sitting at the table staring at her cup of tea.

"Morning, Mama," she called out cheerily.

"Have I been a bad mother?" Ziva asked, not looking up from her mug.

"No, Mama," Ava replied.

"I tried not to be sad around you and I tried to give you as normal a life as I could. Did I do a bad job?" she continued.

"You were the best mother you could be," Ava said. She wound her arms around her mothers neck and rested her chin on Ziva's head. "We know you tried to be happy around us and we appreciate it. Ethan and I don't feel like we missed out on anything. We had you and we had Uncle Tim and Ducky and Gibbs. They were good substitutes. We just wanted you to be happy. We still want you to be happy."

"I am doing better. I promise. It does not quite hurt so much to breathe," Ziva admitted. "It feels good."

"You look happier," Ava agreed. "What changed, Mama?"

"I guess time really does heal all wounds," Ziva shrugged. "And I made a conscious decision the day after Christmas that I was going to try harder. I was being selfish and lazy wallowing for so long. Your dad would be so mad at me for wasting all this time being so sad."

"I don't think he would've been. I think he would've done the same thing if it was you," Ava answered.

"And I would not have wanted him too," Ziva replied. "I will always miss him but enough is enough."

"Yep. Enough is enough," Ava agreed and not for the first time, Ziva was amazed at how grown-up her once little girl was. As if to prove the point once more, Ava kissed Ziva on the head. "You should go to the cemetery and say goodbye for real."

"Not today," Ziva said. "It is too soon. But I will one day."

"Good. I'm late for work. Love you, Mama," Ava said.

"Love you too, sweetheart."

* * *

_March, 2030._

It was Ziva's fifty-second birthday. Eighteen year-old Ethan had come over from Chicago to spend the weekend with her. Twenty year-old Ava had moved back into the house with Ziva the previous Christmas citing money problems. The day had been spent as most of Ziva's other birthdays. She opened presents over breakfast with Ava and Ethan and cut the cake at dinner with her children and the McGee family. This year was no different.

Brother and sister were tucked away in Ava's bedroom after the festivities. It wasn't unusual for them to spend some time apart from Ziva when they visited. After all, they had always been partners in-crime.

"Do you know what's weird?" Ethan asked Ava as they lounged on her queen-sized bed.

"What?" she asked in the nonchalant way sisters did.

"Mama didn't mention Dad once today."

There was a long silence as Ava contemplated it.

"She really didn't, did she?" she asked. There was another silence. "Wow. Do you think she's finally getting over it? She told me she was going to but she's said that before. Do you think she really has?"

"I don't know. I hope so," Ethan replied. "It's been over eleven years."

"What do you think it's like to love someone so much that you still miss them after eleven years?" Ava mused. "I miss Daddy too but it's different for her."

"I love Simone that much," Ethan answered.

"You think you're going to marry her?" Ava asked.

"I hope so," he replied. He thought about it for a second. "Scrap that. I do think I'm going to marry her. I am going to marry her."

"It's good to think of Mama being happy, isn't it?" Ava asked. "I know she tried to hide her sadness from us but the walls aren't made of cement."

"I used to hate listening to her cry," Ethan agreed. "Does she cry much anymore?"

"Not so much. The last time I saw her cry was on the anniversary," Ava replied.

"That's good. Do you think she'll start dating?"

"I don't think so. I can't see her dating anyone else anyway. She always said that Dad was her soulmate," Ava anwered.

"Anyway, she's fifty-two. Who wants to date someone who's fifty-two?" Ethan asked.

"Umm, other fifty-two year-olds. Besides, Mama is still beautiful. If she wanted to date, she could," Ava said. "I'd be okay with it if she did."

"Me too. She should be happy," Ethan agreed.

"Hey, you want to hear a secret?" Ava asked.

"Of course. Is it dirty?" he replied.

"No. As if I'd tell you a dirty secret," Ava cried, throwing a pillow at him. He threw it back and she giggled. "Fine. I'm not telling you."

"Of come on. Just tell me," he begged.

"Fine. I met a boy. His name's Hank and he's an author," she confided.

"Like Uncle Tim?"

"Yep. I haven't told Mama yet so it's still a secret, okay? I want to tell her but I don't know how," Ava admitted.

"Just walk up to her and tell her you have a boyfriend," Ethan suggested. "Or e-mail her. That's how I told her about Simone."

"Yeah but you live in another state. I live in her house..."

But her mother already knew. They hadn't counted on her eavesdropping.

* * *

_April, 2030._

"Do you know what I realised?" Ziva asked Abby. She waited patiently as Abby continued to scroll through a catalogue of pictures. They were in Abby's lab. Ziva had gone back to work a NCIS part-time and found it easier than she had expected. "Abs?"

"What did you realise?" Abby asked. "I didn't realise it wasn't a rhetorical question."

"You are incorrigible," she sighed. She shook her head. "I realised that I have to start letting Tony go. And that letting him go does not mean I love him any less or that what we had is any less important."

She was cut-off by Abby squeezing her.

"I'm so proud of you," Abby told her. She kissed Ziva repeatedly on the head until Ziva ducked away. "Sorry. I've just been so worried about you. I don't mean I got sick of you or I thought you shouldn't be sad but I was so worried. It made me so sad to to think of you."

"I guess I can only be sad for so long, right? And he has been gone for over eleven years. I think it is time," Ziva said.

"Does this mean I can set you up on a date?" Abby asked. She was so excited she was bouncing a little. "I already have the perfect guy in mind. He's a doctor and he's the nicest guy."

'What? No!" Ziva replied. She was horrified. "Abby, I said I was ready to start letting go. I did not say I was ready to move on or let go completely."

"Dating another man doesn't mean you've moved on. Tony would understand. He'd be setting you up with someone himself if he was here," Abby replied.

"If he were still here we would be married. I do not think he would have approved of me dating other men," Ziva pointed-out. "Besides, I am fifty-two. I am an old woman."

"Technicalities. And you're not old because that means I'm old. I firmly believe you are only as old as you feel which makes me somewhere closer to twenty-two," Abby replied. "Promise me you'll think about it? The doctor in question is fifty-five. You'll be a spring chicken compared to him."

"I am just not ready to even think about it," Ziva admitted. "Promise you will let me do this in my own time?"

"Of course," Abby said, deflating a little. "Promise you'll let me set you up when you are ready?"

"How many more promises can we make?" Ziva asked in exasperation. Abby pouted and she rolled her eyes. "Yes. I promise you can set me up when I am ready."

"Good. Now you better get out of here. You're distracting me and Gibbs doesn't like it when I..." she trailed off. "I mean, Tim doesn't like it when I take to long to find a match."

"Tim worships the ground you walk on. He wouldn't care if it took you a thousand years to find a match as long as you were happy," Ziva replied.

"I miss Gibbs," Abby said simply.

"Me too. He was more than a father than any of us ever had," Ziva said. That was certainly more true for Ziva and Tony than the McGee's.

"Yeah, he was. I'll be okay, right?" Abby asked.

Ziva nodded. It was her turn to kiss Abby.

"Call me when you get a match," she said in her best Gibbs imitation.

* * *

_May, 2030._

Ziva DiNozzo walked across the green grass towards Tony's grave. When she reached it, she knelt in front of it. Her hands were busy as she pulled away a few stray weeds. It was visited so often that there wasn't really any chance for weeds to grow but sometimes they sprouted up. Once the offending creatures were thrown away, Ziva traced the letters as she always did. She sighed and traced the letters one more time.

"Tony, Tony, Tony," she whispered. She rested her head briefly against the cold granite as a few hot tears slipped down her cheeks. "We have a very wise daughter, you know. She told me I needed to come here and say goodbye. Do you remember that Avigail means 'gives joy?' She gives me so much joy. And Ethan means 'strong' and 'constancy.' He is strong and he is a constant support in my life. We have amazing children. I am sorry you could not be here to see them become the gorgeous man and woman they are. Ethan is about to propose to Simone. I know he is still young but they are very much in love. They remind me of us. Which is why I am here. It has been eleven years, Tony, and if I know you as well as I think I do then you think this day has been a long time coming. I am here to say goodbye. Not forever but for now. I need to heal as much as I can. There will always be a small part of me that aches for you but I need to start being human again. You would want that. I know you would not want me to walk around with a frown on my face. You would want me to grab life by the horns or whatever it is you say. I am going to do that now. I packed up all of your things finally. I kept a few things. One of your shirts, even though I cannot smell you on any of them now. I kept your DVDs and your records. Ava, Ethan and the McGee's kept some things as well but I gave most of it away. I should have done it years ago. I immediately felt so much lighter. I do not blame you for making me sad so please do not think that. I know it was all me. I will miss coming here. I will miss you. I do miss you but it is time for goodbye. I love you, Tony DiNozzo, my husband, my soul mate. Goodbye."

She stood-up and stared down at the headstone for a good five minutes. Finally she summoned up the strength to turn and walk away. A rustle of wind swept past her and she almost swore she heard Tony's voice.

"_It's about time_," he seemed to say. _"Goodbye, sweet cheeks." _

Ziva closed her eyes and breathed in the air. She smiled to herself. For the first time in forever, it hadn't hurt her to breathe.


	7. Where the Family Celebrates Christmas

**NCIS**

**Unprepared**

**A/N: **So this is the last chapter. The story just seems finished to me. You have been an amazing bunch of readers and I've been so grateful to read all of your reviews. I'm so glad I touched you all. I'm going to try and write happier stories. TRY being the operative word. You're all very lucky I got this finished before Huckstable had to go away. Happy reading!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own nor am I affiliated with NCIS in anyway. I also don't own the lyrics. Dido does. This is one of the most heart-breaking songs ever written but I love it so.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Seven: **Where the Family Celebrates Christmas

* * *

_'My lover's gone  
No earthly ship will ever bring him home again.'_

_'My Lover's Gone.' Dido._

_November, 2018._

There was a moment where Ziva found herself absolutely incapacitated by her grief. Tony had been gone for less than two weeks and Ziva had tried not think about it too much. But there had to come a time where she felt the full extent of her loss. A moment where she found herself utterly alone in the world. A moment where she knew beyond a doubt that her soul mate was gone and that he would not be replaced.

All the moments that he wouldn't see flashed before her. Birthdays, graduations, anniversaries. Ava in a wedding gown, Ethan in a tux. Seeing their grandchildren for the first-time and smelling the top of their heads. All these things that Tony wouldn't be there for. All these things she would have to do herself.

She had lost her partner in-crime, her reason for living, her best friend. Who would she ring now when things got too overwhelming? Who would keep her warm in winter as they slept? Who would bring her water and aspirin when she was sick? Who would tell her which movies were worth watching and which were better off being used as coasters?

Even as Ziva found herself paralysed by her realisation, there was one thing she was grateful for. At least they had had a nice goodbye. It was a familiar goodbye, the kind they had every morning. It wasn't overly mushy or romantic but there had been no yelling or harsh words either. She knew things would have been so much worse if they had been in a fight or had just been generally grumpy. But when Tony had walked out that door one last time, he had known he was loved. And there was one small piece of comfort in an otherwise desolate situation.

* * *

_December, 2043._

The woman staring back at her was unfamiliar. The woman staring back at her did not look the same as she remembered. Her once black hair was peppered with grey. She had lines around her eyes and across her forehead. Her eyes were the same but murkier through the pain. She sighed wistfully and used her fingers to push the wrinkles away. If only it were that easy.

"You're still beautiful, Mama," her daughter said from the doorway of the bedroom. "I'm glad I look like you."

"I do not see me in you at all," Ziva sighed. "I only see your father."

"Oh Mama," her daughter sighed. She came into the bedroom and stood behind Ziva, wrapping her arms around her. She rested her cheek on Ziva's shoulder a little awkwardly since they were roughly the same height. Ziva kissed her forehead and rested her hands on Ava's arms. "You see my father in everyone."

"You have his smile," Ziva answered. "You and Ethan both have his smile."

"And Ethan has his eyes but I have yours," Ava replied.

"Yes, you do," Ziva said. She studied her daughters face in the mirror and she smiled warmly. "Maybe you look more like me than I realised."

"We're practically identical," Ava sighed dramatically. It wasn't quite true but they did look alike except she had her fathers strong chin and his almost sandy coloured hair. She kissed her mother on the cheek and then went to sit on the bed. "Can I wear your pearls, Mama?"

"I suppose so," Ziva answered. She rifled through her well-stocked jewelery box and pulled out a strand of perfectly matched pearls. She tossed them at Ava who, although she looked aghast, caught them easily.

"Mama, you have the most cavalier attitude towards jewelery," Ava huffed as she fastened them around her neck.

"They are just things, Ava. They can be replaced," Ziva shrugged. She moved back to her mirror and brushed some blush onto her pale cheek. "I wish I did not have so many wrinkles. Skin cannot be replaced."

"You're sixty-five, Mama. I only hope I look like you at sixty-five," Ava replied. She stood back up and went over to stand next to her mother. "Look at me. I'm only thirty-three and I already have-"

"No wrinkles whatsoever. You have laugh lines," Ziva said with a roll of her eyes. She smiled fondly at her child and lightly smacked the back of her head. "I am so proud of you, little one."

"I'm proud of you," Ava told her mother.

"I did nothing. I just lived my life," Ziva shrugged. "And I raised two beautiful children."

"You didn't have the easiest life," Ava reminded her.

"Yes but I would not change a second of it," she said.

"Not a second of it?" Ava asked.

"Not a second," Ziva said decisively.

"You wouldn't even bring Daddy back?"

"I would not even bring Daddy back," Ziva answered a little shakily. Ziva had struggled with that question for so long. What she had said to Ainslee Cook on that day so many years ago still rang true. She couldn't sacrifice one life for another, even if it was Tony's. And there was no telling how things would have turned out if he had lived.

"Why?" Ava asked curiously. She was a little bit shocked.

"I cannot change what happened. He can never come back. What is the point of even thinking about it? Besides, there is no reason for things to change here. We are happy," Ziva answered diplomatically.

"I miss them," Ava sighed. "Mostly around the holidays but I miss them everyday."

"Me too," Ziva said, but her voice could barely be heard.

"I was so young when he first died. I used to imagine that it was all a bad dream and that any day he would come back. Or maybe it was one of his practical jokes. I would've been so mad but so relieved," Ava said. "I used to wish on every shooting star that I saw that he would come back."

"You did what every other child would have done," Ziva replied. She tugged Ava's hair lightly. "This is a day for celebration. No more sad talk. Let's go and get a drink."

The two women made their way downstairs. Ziva found herself being swept off the bottom-step by a pair of strong arms. She was twirled around and although she protested loudly, it took a full two minutes before she was set on the ground.

"Hey Mama," her son after setting her down. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and stood grinning at her.

"Ethan, can you ever just give me a hug hello?" she admonished him. She was smiling, though, and her eyes glittered. His brown hair was unruly and curly, just like hers. She reached over and ruffled it.

"Aww, Mama," he said trying futilely to smooth it. "Do you have to do that every time you see me?"

"Do you have to throw me over your shoulder every time you see me?" she reiterated. "You will probably break my hip one of these days."

"Our Mama thinks she's getting old," Ava said conspiratorially. She whacked her little brother over the back of the head. "It's good to see you, little brother."

"You too, sis," he answered. He grabbed Ziva's arm and dragged her into the living room. "Look who I bought with me."

He pointed to his wife, Simone, who held a small infant in her arms. She smiled warmly at Ziva and held her arms out.

"Do you want to hold her?" Simone asked.

"Of course," Ziva answered. She went over and took the little girl from her mothers arms. "She's so light."

"No she isn't," Ethan answered proudly. He leaned over his mother and kissed his little girl on her tiny nose. "She's so heavy. My arms ache when I hold her."

"Because he picks her up as soon as he gets home from work and doesn't put her down until bedtime," Simone shot-back. "I'm worried she's not going to be able to sleep without someone holding her soon."

"She will get over it," Ziva replied. "Tony and I went through the same thing with Ava and Ethan. They cry a little but they get over it."

"Well, you didn't do a very good job with Ethan," Simone joked. "He still cries and wants me to hold him before bed."

"Simone! Not in front of Michaela," Ethan huffed. "She's only two months old. She doesn't need to hear that."

"Where are Brent and

"Here," the eleven year-old announced. He set down a large nappy-bag. "Dad made me get the stuff out of the car."

"It's character-building," Ethan shrugged as Ziva and Ava gave him matching glares.

"Brent, you are so big now!" Ava exclaimed. She gave him a hug and then looked him up and down. "Do you think he looks more like a DiNozzo or a March?"

"What do you care? You're neither anymore," Ethan pointed out.

"I'm only a Gildan by name," Ava disagreed. "I'm still a DiNozzo."

"True," their mother agreed. "Ava, when did you become so obsessed with who looks like who anyway?"

"Ever since I spent last night with Hank's family. It's all the talk about. Which kid looks more like which side of the family. It rubs off on you," she explained.

"You're husband is a nutcase," Ethan replied. He was unable to dodge Ava's fist. "Okay, okay. I take it back! He isn't a nutcase but his family is."

"I don't disagree. Speaking of family. Mama, what time are Aunty Abby and Uncle Tim coming over?" Ava asked.

"They should be here in about twenty minutes. They were just waiting for Lainey to get to their place," Ziva answered.

Christmas was the big holiday for their family. Ava, Ziva and the McGee's all took turns hosting it at their house. Ducky and Gibbs had had their fair share of Christmases before they had passed away and if Simone and Ethan didn't live so far away, they would have too. Ziva still celebrated Hanukkah with her children but with Ethan living in another state and Ava having a family of her own, it was hard. Ava would bring one or more of her children over each night to watch Ziva light the candles while Ethan would join in over the phone and light his own candles. Occasionally Abby and McGee came too. Ava always went home with a container of latkes and occasionally sufganiyots, the jelly doughnuts that her children favoured. Ziva almost never had the chance to cook them and besides it was fun, she said.

The families which seemed to grow larger every year would turn up with husbands, wives, children and grand-children and cram into the living rooms and kitchen. This year twenty-three people, not including Ziva, would be having Christmas at Ziva's. Ava would be there with her husband Hank and their children ten year-old Charlotte (sometimes known as 'Charlie'), seven year-old Tyson and four year-old Mia. Ethan was there with Simone, newborn Michaela, two year-old Max and Brent. Abby and Tim would be there with their brood. Emmeline with her husband James and their children nine year-old year-old Nathan, seven year-old Katie and five year-old Cora. Lainey with her husband Josh and their six year-old twins Joseph and Marley. Jethro and his fiancee Margot rounded the numbers out.

"Hank's going to be here with the kids in a minute. Do you need help setting anything else up?" Ava asked.

"I think everything is pretty much set-up," Ziva answered. "Aunty Abby came over last night and helped me finish decorating."

"The place looks gorgeous, Ziva," Simone said. "I think you really outdid yourself this year."

They had moved into the lounge-room. Ziva was sitting on the couch with Michaela as Ava and Simone looked around.

"Thank you, Simone," Ziva replied.

"Mama, this is amazing. It looks so pretty," Ava cooed.

It seemed there wasn't an inch of space that wasn't decorated. The tree was dripping with gold tinsel, fairy lights and white glass balls. A nativity scene was set-up on the mantel and a bowl of poinsettias and holly sat on the coffee table. The dining room table had a white tablecloth and a red and green table runner. Two rows of tea-light candles ran down the edge of the table-runner. It was a large table and could seat twenty. Ziva, Abby, McGee, Emmeline, James, Hank, Lainey, Josh, Ethan and Margot had been the lucky ten to pick their names out of the hat to sit at the adult table that year. An extra table had been set-up in the kitchen along with the one that was always there. They too had white tablecloths and matching table runners but instead of tea-light candles there were small bowls of holly berries. In previous years Ziva had learnt that children and candles didn't always mix, no matter how old the children were. Ethan and Jethro were the main culprits including the tablecloth burning incident of 2037 (aged twenty-five and twenty respectively at the time).

The front-door opened and soon a small girl was running inside and throwing her arms around Ava's legs.

"Mummy, Mummy, Mummy," she cried. "Tyson hit me over the head with my dolly."

"That wasn't very nice of him, was it?" Ava murmured. She bent down and picked Mia up. "Did you do something to annoy him?"

"No!" Mia protested. She shook her head furiously.

"Mum, she hit me first," Tyson said coming into the room. His father and older sister came in behind him.

"Did not," Mia protested.

"Mia, come here to Grandma and see who I have," Ziva called out.

"Is that Michaela?" Charlotte asked. She went over and squished onto the couch between her aunt and her grandmother. "Aunty Simone, she's so cute."

"Do you want a nurse?" Ziva asked.

"Can I?" Charlotte asked Simone.

"Sure. Just watch her head," Simone replied as Ziva handed her newest grand-daughter over. "I should probably go check on Max. We put him in the rumpus room."

"Do you want to move him upstairs?" Ziva asked. "We can put him in Ethan's old room."

"He'll probably be awake anyway," Simone replied.

"I will go and get him. You go and get yourself a drink," Ziva ordered.

"Are you sure?" Simone asked.

"Go, Simone. We will be opening presents soon and then it will be lunchtime. This is your last chance to get a few minutes to yourself," Ziva replied.

"Thanks Ziva," Simone said. She gave Ziva a grateful smile and then followed Ava out of the room.

Ziva went into the rumpus room and found Max stirring on the brown faux-suede couch. She knelt down next to him and smiled gently at him. He looked confused and scared for a second but when she talked to him he relaxed.

"Hello, tateleh," she cooed. "Did you have a good sleep?"

"Juice," he answered proudly.

"Aren't you a clever boy?" she laughed. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and scooped him up. "Shall we go get you some juice?"

"Juice," he repeated. According to Ethan 'juice' was the answer to every question and the question to every answer. Ziva remembered when Ethan had been three and he had walked around repeating everything Tony said, even if it was inappropriate for him. He had adored his dad and his dad had adored him.

"Mama?" Ethan called from the doorway. "Is everything okay in here?"

"Sure. We were just about to get Max some juice," she replied.

"Uncle Tim and Aunty Abby just got here," he said. He walked over to them and ruffled Max's mousy brown hair. "Hey little man. Did you have a good sleep?"

"Da-da," Max cooed, his face dripping in a gooey smile. "Juice."

"Yeah, Grandma will get you some juice," Ethan answered. "See what I mean? Single-minded and stubborn."

"Reminds me of someone else I know," she murmured.

"Ava?" he asked.

"And you," she replied. The DiNozzo clan were a single-minded and stubborn bunch which had resulted in some fairly heavy fights over the years. When no-one was willing to relent, what did you do?

"Mama?" Ethan asked.

"Yes, sweetheart."

"Are you giving the blessing this year?" he asked.

"I do it every year. You know that. Why? Do you want to do it this year?" she asked proudly.

"I might want to add a few words, if that's okay," he answered.

"You can say anything you want too," she replied. She leaned over and kissed him on the temple. She held her lips there for a few seconds. "It is good to see you. I wish you and Simone didn't live in Chicago."

"I wish we didn't either but her family is there," Ethan said with a shrug. "I promise we'll try and visit more, okay?"

"Like I believe you," she joked. "Come. I bet the children are itching to open their presents."

"Just the children?" Ethan asked. "I can't wait to see what you got me this year."

The living room was ruined. Discarded toys lay in piles of carefully chosen wrapping paper and matching ribbons. Pieces of plastic and cardboard boxes littered the remaining floorspace. A glass ornament had been smashed in the children's rush to unwrap their gifts. No-one was disappointed and everyone had something, no matter how small or trivial the gift was. Ethan was thrilled with his new PDA. He'd been complaining about his old one for so long and Ziva had grown tired of it.

The group had moved into the dining areas and were sitting down gorging themselves on meat, salad, bread, potato latkes (Ziva's concession to Hanukkah) and roast vegetables. The wine flowed freely between the adults while the children squabbled over bottles of soft drink and juice. Before anyone was allowed to eat, Ziva had insisted on saying a blessing. Everyone politely bowed their heads and listened. She said it first in Hebrew and then in English for everybody else's benefit. As soon as her voice stopped it was game on! Of course the men insisted on competing with each other and trying to eat more than the person sitting next to them. The mothers in turn competed for the wine circulating the table. It wasn't so much a competition to see who could get the drunkest as in who would be the most relaxed but Ava and Emmeline were often well on their way before dinner had even been served.

Dinner was eaten, dessert was served and Ziva stood-up to give the annual Christmas toast. The duty fell to the host or the hostess every year. Ziva didn't mind so much. It was already expected that she would mention Tony and Ducky and Gibbs. She always did. Abby always did. McGee always did. Even their children did. The holes the three men had left behind would never be filled.

Ziva stood-up and carefully tapped her spoon against her crystal glass. She waited patiently and after a few moments the group was as quiet as a group of twenty-three could be.

"Thirty-four years ago," Ziva started. "Six people sat around this table and enjoyed their first Christmas together. For five of them, it was their first Christmas as a family but for one of them, it was their first Christmas ever. The whole spectacle seemed a bit stupid to me. Why go to all of the trouble for one day when you could celebrate for eight days? The birth of Jesus may be a miracle but so is the miracle of the oil that we celebrate at Hanukkah. That first Christmas changed things for me. What I saw was a day full of love and friendship, a day to take time out and be thankful not just for the birth of your Jesus but for the people that you have around you. It is a day to show people how much you care for them. I look around at you all and I marvel at how much things have changed. We couldn't even fill the dinner table that first year but look at us now. Soon we'll be eating outside on picnic blankets in the snow or sitting on the living room floor eating off our laps."

"Here's to extendable tables!" Ethan called out. The adults laughed and the children took the opportunity to whisper and giggle between each other.

"Always the comedian," Ziva chuckled. She waited until everyone was calm before she spoke again. "I am so proud to call you all my family. I do not think we could have done a better job raising such beautiful children and grand-children. Gibbs, Ducky and Tony would have been proud also. Just as they would have been honoured to know you, it is an honour to us that we knew them. They helped us create this legacy and they were the founding members of this family. We will always miss them, we will always love them and we will always remember them. If it were not for these three amazing men, we would not be sitting here today. So first, a toast to them. To the men we loved and the men we miss."

"To the men we miss," the adults chorused. The older children raised their glasses and sipped Coke while the younger ones wondered if the speech would ever end.

"And a second toast," Ziva began to wind-down. "To a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I love you all."

"Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" everybody thundered. This was one even the children could join in on.

People began to leave the table and retire to different rooms. The younger children took naps while others watched TV or chatted amongst themselves. Ziva excused herself once the clean-up was done. She went upstairs to her room and closed the door behind her. She sat on the bed and let a single tear roll down her face. The door opened and Abby stepped in. She walked over to Ziva and sat next to her on the bed.

"I wondered where you went," she said softly.

"Sorry, Abs," Ziva replied, wiping the tear from her cheek. "I just needed a minute."

"Christmas is the hardest time of the year, hey," she said.

"I try to only think of them occasionally. It took me such a long time to begin to heal. I do not want to undo it all," Ziva explained.

"If its any consolation, I feel the same way," Abby agreed. "It's sort of like they've been gone for longer than we knew them but the Universe doesn't seem to care about that. There are some days when it still hurts as much as when they first died. Sometimes I'll be having a good day and things will be wonderful and then all of a sudden, it all falls apart. I remember them and it hurts so much."

"Those moments are few and far in between now," Ziva admitted.

They were silent for a moment, both caught up in their memories. Eventually Ziva sighed and stood-up. She composed herself and held out her hand to Abby.

"Maybe we should concentrate on what we have instead of what we do not have," she said. "We have a beautiful family down there who need us."

"You're right," Abby agreed. She let Ziva help her up. She caught her reflection in the mirror and she groaned. "Look at all my wrinkles."

"What wrinkles?" Ziva asked. She pointed to her face. "Look at mine."

"Oh please. You have no wrinkles. I have valleys in my face," Abby shot-back.

"Again I say where?" Ziva asked. She was right. Abby had never given up her vigilance about skincare and it showed. Her face was almost as baby smooth as it had been when she was young. She had a few small lines around her eyes but that was it. "You are the most skin-conscious person I know. You are never going to get wrinkles."

"My hair is getting thinner," she said in reply. "And I'm pretty sure its going grey."

"How do you know? You still dye it black," Ziva laughed. "You look exactly the same as you did when I met you except you do not wear black lipstick anymore, your hemlines are a little longer and you wear flat boots."

"My feet don't like platforms anymore," Abby admitted. She grinned at Ziva in the mirror. "We still look hot though."

"Of course we do," Ziva replied. She winked at Abby. "Let's get our hot selves downstairs. I think it's time we taught our sons a lesson or two in video games."

"I'm right behind you, sister," Abby agreed.

They went downstairs together ready to face what the rest of the evening would bring. Ready to face what the rest of their lives would bring.

And it was true. Sometimes Ziva would be having a great day. She would be happy and the sun would be shining. But then she'd hear a song or she'd catch a glimpse of someone who looked like Tony. For a few minutes all her hard work would be undone. She would clutch her stomach and try not to double over in pain. Sometimes she cried. It didn't hurt until it hurt and then it _HURT._ The pain had dulled somewhat but when it was there, it was there.

Sometimes she dreamed about him, about how their lives would have turned out if he had lived. But what she said to Ava was true too. She would not change her life for anything. Ava was happy. Ethan was happy. For the most part Ziva was happy.

* * *

_January, 2009._

It was close to four in the morning. They were lying in bed, exhausted but happy. The last guests had left Tony's New Year's Eve bash only half an hour before.

"I should be getting up to go for a jog in an hour," Ziva groaned. She reached for her bottle of water and took a long sip. "Remind me next time that champagne goes right to my head."

"I like it when you drink champagne. Besides, you should always drink champagne on NYE. It's just what you do," Tony replied. He took the water from her and took a large gulp. "I have a feeling that you will be absolutely fine in the morning."

"What makes you say that?" she asked curiously. "Some special New Year's Day hang-over cure that I do not know about?"

"Because I asked you to marry me and you said yes," he amended.

"There is that," she said. A lazy smile grew across her face and it soon turned into a huge grin that Tony couldn't help but mirror. "Do you think we are crazy for getting engaged after only seven months?"

"No," Tony replied with a firm shake of his head. "When you know, you know. And we know. At least, I know."

"I know too," she said. "I never thought I would be this happy. Especially not over a guy."

"A guy?" Tony scoffed. "A guy? I'm not just a guy."

"No, you are not," Ziva agreed with a laugh. "You are everything."

"Now that's more like it," he replied. He yawned and Ziva's wasn't far behind. He wound his arms around Ziva and pulled her close. "Love you, Ziva. Happy New Year."

"I love you too, Tony. Happy New Year," she whispered back.

And it would be a very happy year.

_- The End -_


End file.
